I just feel numb.
Not numb like I usually feel...tonight should have been a great night...I went to see New Moon with my friends...well whats left of my friends. I was the only one with lack of excitement, their were a few parts in the movie where I got jumpy, was excited...but something was nagging on me, and despite my trys, it just kept surfacing everytime I tried to drown it out with the hympnotizing effects of Jacob Black, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan...
After the movie, it was 2:30 in the mourning, we went to "ya light plole" at the far end of the parking lot, everybody was jumping around, screaming, we even got into a howling match with a group of people in a car at the other end of the parking lot. . .I was ok for a while, and then everyone else went up to the front of the movie theatre...I stayed where I was, looking out into the empty feild, it was dark, I heard Monkey come up behind, Monkey, MY Alice, who can't bare leaving me alone, lol...We startted talking, and I'm not sure where this conversation came from.
"Ya know...so many people we know, girls, boys, have said they would turn into a vampire, have what the Cullens have...but would they REALLY?...Give up everything they had ever known, would they?" I asked her.
"I would!" Monkey said happily. I looked at her for a moment and she realized I wasn't joking.
"Well...if I could have a Renesmee like Bella, I have to have kids...and If I could see my mom."
I told her, if she couldn't, would she still. She said if there was someone like Edward for her, yes. Then she asked me, if I would.
"I'm living in a house where I have to struggle to teach myself a basic education...and I've never fit in anywhere Monk, not really...even when I use to have nine or ten friends at a time, they were afraid of me, or just seemed...intimadated...I've never even fit in with my family...If I could find a family like the Cullens, be loved like that, have people I could trust like that, doubtless a education...but just FIT, somewhere, just FIT for once...yes." I said. She seemed taken aback, and left me standing just out of the light of the lamp post.
I couldn't stop thinking...something has been WRONG with me lately, and tonight I realized, its not almost as bad, or no where near as bad as I use to be...its WORSE...Tonight on the way home I realized...I honestly wanted to die, in that moment, I wanted to die. I wanted to be dead, I just didn't want to do this anymore...I'm so sick of it. All of it.
I called Andy when I got home, not thinking he was awake, that I would just leave a voice mail. But he was, playing his new video game, I wanted to scream "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!" But...I didn't. It took every fiber of my being not to, to sit there and act like I was ok. . .I just want one person I can go to no matter what, that will be there for me no matter what...but thats unrealistic, because it can't happen. I love the Twilight books, and the movies, but they depress me like nothing else. Here are these people, their for eachother without ryme or reason, just because...just because. I want that more then anything on this planet, just...not feel so alone. Not be afraid like I was when I was talking to Andy that if I told him, he would just be pissed he couldn't play his game, or something...hes coming later today, I was angry at first because I realized he wasn't going to sleep until he came here, that he was planning to just sleep all day, that is until he has his hour match on his game...but now thinking about it, its perfect. No questions I guess...
I'm just scared...I honestly, sitting here right now writing this...want to just...die.
I also want Andy to wake me up when he gets here and just tell me he loves me.
Idk!...I've never wanted death this bad in my life, I want to call Andy because I'm afraid, I want to call him because I'm afraid to be alone...I want to call him because I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself tonight.
Idk...I can't think, my minds startting to go blank...maybe I'll go call him...maybe...or maybe I'll do something else. Idk.
On the off chance my stupidity does get the best of me tonight, I'm sorry.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
eh, its crap.
I would like to say first off, that this is just a rough draft, the idea just popped in my head, so this will sound a tad mangled, I just need to get it down before I forget it. In honesty I probably won't do anything with it, it actually bores me.
_____________
She stepped into the store shaking off her coat, water poured off onto the newly washed floor. She knew it was newly washed because a young girl with a mop glared at her as her muddy boots squeaked annoyingly on the tiled floor. The women in the coat just smiled at her smuggly and trompped off.
She ignored the looks as she passed, she knew she must of look monsterous, hair flying in every which way direction, her makeupless face glouring, red from the cold outside, but she didn't care. Today she wasn't in a mood to please people...not that she ever was.
"Vivian?"
The girl in the coat turned, her stomach sinking as she saw a over weight, ruddy faced, falsly dyed maroon hair women come bouncing up to her.
"Mrs. Sheets...hi." She said relunctantly. The women looked her over worriedly.
"My dear you look simply horrible!" She spluttered.
"Thanks" said Vivian. She turned her attention to the frozen food isle she just realized she was standing in. She was hoping that Mrs. Sheets would catch the "go the fuck away" vibe streaming from her. But alas, nothing today had gone as she had hopped.
"I'm sorry to hear about your daughter..." She said trailing off quietly. Vivian froze and glanced sideways at Mrs. Sheets, her face was timid, nosey...Vivian wanted to hit her.
Vivian nodded, then flung open one of the doors snatching something that seemed edible.
"Will you hold a funeral?" Mrs. Sheets asked. Vivian felt anger ball of anger build up in her chest. She turned to face Mrs. Sheets.
"I already did. She was burried yesterday in Oak Hill cemetary."
Mrs. Sheets looked taken aback. Vivian hopped she would be at a loss for words, but no.
"You didn't hold a wake? Nothing?" She asked.
"No...Mrs. Sheets, I don't feel like talking about this right now, so if you please, I just want to go home." She said. Mrs. Sheets nodded relunctantly, and stepped out of Vivians ways.
Vivian walked as fast as she could up to the only lane open, the line was long and she fidgeted nerveously with the icey package in her hands. People kept looking at her, she knew most of them knew. She glanced to her side to see Mrs. Sheets and a group of other moms talking, looking in her direction. She clenched her empty fist angrily.
The line crawled agonizingly slow, but eventually she threw the frozen meal at the casshier who looks up like a dear in head lights.
In this small piece of shit town, she knew everyone knew, a child that young dies, rumors fly like vulchers around a rotting corpse. She glared back at the cashier, something inside of her dareing her to say something, anything. But she didn't.
She scanned it, Vivian payed for it, and rushed from the store.
The rain had slowed, just a drizzle making it look almost foggy out. The wind was turning cold, it was the beginning of November.
Vivian tugged her coat around her walking towards her truck, she was annoyed to find a man leaning against it. He looked up as she neared.
She stopped a few feet away wondering what he was doing, he just smiled, Vivian opened her mouth to say something, but he just smiled and walked off. Vivian stood for a minute, shook her head, and then hoped in her truck heading back to her house as fast as possible.
( will pick this up later, someone said something to smash my mood, and I know this sucks, might not pick it back up, idk )
_____________
She stepped into the store shaking off her coat, water poured off onto the newly washed floor. She knew it was newly washed because a young girl with a mop glared at her as her muddy boots squeaked annoyingly on the tiled floor. The women in the coat just smiled at her smuggly and trompped off.
She ignored the looks as she passed, she knew she must of look monsterous, hair flying in every which way direction, her makeupless face glouring, red from the cold outside, but she didn't care. Today she wasn't in a mood to please people...not that she ever was.
"Vivian?"
The girl in the coat turned, her stomach sinking as she saw a over weight, ruddy faced, falsly dyed maroon hair women come bouncing up to her.
"Mrs. Sheets...hi." She said relunctantly. The women looked her over worriedly.
"My dear you look simply horrible!" She spluttered.
"Thanks" said Vivian. She turned her attention to the frozen food isle she just realized she was standing in. She was hoping that Mrs. Sheets would catch the "go the fuck away" vibe streaming from her. But alas, nothing today had gone as she had hopped.
"I'm sorry to hear about your daughter..." She said trailing off quietly. Vivian froze and glanced sideways at Mrs. Sheets, her face was timid, nosey...Vivian wanted to hit her.
Vivian nodded, then flung open one of the doors snatching something that seemed edible.
"Will you hold a funeral?" Mrs. Sheets asked. Vivian felt anger ball of anger build up in her chest. She turned to face Mrs. Sheets.
"I already did. She was burried yesterday in Oak Hill cemetary."
Mrs. Sheets looked taken aback. Vivian hopped she would be at a loss for words, but no.
"You didn't hold a wake? Nothing?" She asked.
"No...Mrs. Sheets, I don't feel like talking about this right now, so if you please, I just want to go home." She said. Mrs. Sheets nodded relunctantly, and stepped out of Vivians ways.
Vivian walked as fast as she could up to the only lane open, the line was long and she fidgeted nerveously with the icey package in her hands. People kept looking at her, she knew most of them knew. She glanced to her side to see Mrs. Sheets and a group of other moms talking, looking in her direction. She clenched her empty fist angrily.
The line crawled agonizingly slow, but eventually she threw the frozen meal at the casshier who looks up like a dear in head lights.
In this small piece of shit town, she knew everyone knew, a child that young dies, rumors fly like vulchers around a rotting corpse. She glared back at the cashier, something inside of her dareing her to say something, anything. But she didn't.
She scanned it, Vivian payed for it, and rushed from the store.
The rain had slowed, just a drizzle making it look almost foggy out. The wind was turning cold, it was the beginning of November.
Vivian tugged her coat around her walking towards her truck, she was annoyed to find a man leaning against it. He looked up as she neared.
She stopped a few feet away wondering what he was doing, he just smiled, Vivian opened her mouth to say something, but he just smiled and walked off. Vivian stood for a minute, shook her head, and then hoped in her truck heading back to her house as fast as possible.
( will pick this up later, someone said something to smash my mood, and I know this sucks, might not pick it back up, idk )
Monday, October 19, 2009
Insane Ramblings
This was orignally written on my DeadSoul myspace account....
The words seep blindly from my rambling mind, my mouth screams in protest as the words bite to come out. The darkest, deepest hell you have thrown me into, you selfish, angst, you wretched demon born from a starved womb.
You robber of cradles, You breaker of dreams, you take the life, torment the soul, and torture the mind into smothered ashs of the darkest black.
How long have you held me back! How many wish's have you taken and shattered, like the panes of thousands of stained glass windows, ONE BY FUCKING ONE You smashed them and grounded the shards into dust! Which we swallowed and digested, absorbed and twisted. You, you! manipulator of hearts, stupified capsels of feelings you consume.
One more fucking tear shed, one more pinching of the skin, shutting of the eyes, suicidal filled thought, IT MEANS NOTHING TO YOU!
And we, we look away blinded because that is what we were taught.
No - Fucking - More.
I'll take my life before you can have it! I'll lock myself away before you can reach me! YOU WILL NOT HAVE ME!
The words seep blindly from my rambling mind, my mouth screams in protest as the words bite to come out. The darkest, deepest hell you have thrown me into, you selfish, angst, you wretched demon born from a starved womb.
You robber of cradles, You breaker of dreams, you take the life, torment the soul, and torture the mind into smothered ashs of the darkest black.
How long have you held me back! How many wish's have you taken and shattered, like the panes of thousands of stained glass windows, ONE BY FUCKING ONE You smashed them and grounded the shards into dust! Which we swallowed and digested, absorbed and twisted. You, you! manipulator of hearts, stupified capsels of feelings you consume.
One more fucking tear shed, one more pinching of the skin, shutting of the eyes, suicidal filled thought, IT MEANS NOTHING TO YOU!
And we, we look away blinded because that is what we were taught.
No - Fucking - More.
I'll take my life before you can have it! I'll lock myself away before you can reach me! YOU WILL NOT HAVE ME!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I feel like Elizabeth might need this for some reason...but thing I've ever read.
This was written by a 90 year old women, honestly I thin it is the most amazing thing I've ever read.
1. Life isn't fair, but its still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is to short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when your sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument, Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. Its more healing then crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present <----- Second fav.
12. Its ok to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in a blink of an eye. But don't worry, God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath, it calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful and Beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger.
19. Its never too late to have a second childhood, but the second one is up to you, and no on else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for a answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the facy lingerie...don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now, don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words : "In five years will this matter?" <---- BEST ONE!
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, TIME.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All the truly matters in the end if that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we are threw out problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but its still a gift.
You don't have to repost this, like I said its not a chain, but if you think their is someone that needs this, or maybe a mass of people who do, then repost it or send it to them.
- Katherine Thomas
Comments
1. Life isn't fair, but its still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is to short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when your sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument, Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. Its more healing then crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present <----- Second fav.
12. Its ok to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in a blink of an eye. But don't worry, God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath, it calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful and Beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger.
19. Its never too late to have a second childhood, but the second one is up to you, and no on else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for a answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the facy lingerie...don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now, don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words : "In five years will this matter?" <---- BEST ONE!
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, TIME.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All the truly matters in the end if that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we are threw out problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but its still a gift.
You don't have to repost this, like I said its not a chain, but if you think their is someone that needs this, or maybe a mass of people who do, then repost it or send it to them.
- Katherine Thomas
Comments
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Staind Mouth
I stain my mouth with lies to cover up the blood,
They seal there secrets away underneath forked tongues,
Sell them to the first buyers for trinkets and bobbles,
The most eager of shadows that feed off there grief,
I hide mine through painted smiles and practiced laughter.
The wind carries sounds of whispers to steal the innocence,
The agony of the child with no voice, with no choice,
Steal away and run through the feilds, eclipsed by a black moon,
These types of memories wash away,
of ghost and of goblins,
of things that go bump in the night,
of quiet screams and fragile life.
But they do not wash away for me,
like cheap silver that bleeds into copper.
I am still the follish child,
hideing under a blanket waiting eagerly for mournings light.
These spectors still haunt me,
These demonds still taunt me,
and yet I continue to stain my mouth,
To look the other way,
And to ignore the sold secrets coming my way.
They seal there secrets away underneath forked tongues,
Sell them to the first buyers for trinkets and bobbles,
The most eager of shadows that feed off there grief,
I hide mine through painted smiles and practiced laughter.
The wind carries sounds of whispers to steal the innocence,
The agony of the child with no voice, with no choice,
Steal away and run through the feilds, eclipsed by a black moon,
These types of memories wash away,
of ghost and of goblins,
of things that go bump in the night,
of quiet screams and fragile life.
But they do not wash away for me,
like cheap silver that bleeds into copper.
I am still the follish child,
hideing under a blanket waiting eagerly for mournings light.
These spectors still haunt me,
These demonds still taunt me,
and yet I continue to stain my mouth,
To look the other way,
And to ignore the sold secrets coming my way.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Fin
Slit my wrist, my throat, anything to make the pain leave. But surly, you think I'm joking...but you don't understand.
How can I force into your mind the shadow that constantly eclipses my life?
Just spill the blood, a crimson drowning, block the screams, say to poetic'ness of "nevermore" hear it ring, the meaning so fowl to grasp, yet so rewarding to win.
These words don't make sence, but neither do my thoughts, what you read is whats in my mind, but yet I still hold back the dark corners that spread when no one is looking, behind your back black eyes seeth with agony, when your not listening I open my mouth to yell angst dripping with volotile redemption...but when you see me infront of you, you see the great and fantastic act I have performed night after night, the stage has become my home, the props I use my sheild...and when the red curtain closes, the rawring audiance doesn't hear my crys, the fall to the floor, the knashing teeth, or the scratching of the floor boreds.
Bravo you say...Fin I say.
How can I force into your mind the shadow that constantly eclipses my life?
Just spill the blood, a crimson drowning, block the screams, say to poetic'ness of "nevermore" hear it ring, the meaning so fowl to grasp, yet so rewarding to win.
These words don't make sence, but neither do my thoughts, what you read is whats in my mind, but yet I still hold back the dark corners that spread when no one is looking, behind your back black eyes seeth with agony, when your not listening I open my mouth to yell angst dripping with volotile redemption...but when you see me infront of you, you see the great and fantastic act I have performed night after night, the stage has become my home, the props I use my sheild...and when the red curtain closes, the rawring audiance doesn't hear my crys, the fall to the floor, the knashing teeth, or the scratching of the floor boreds.
Bravo you say...Fin I say.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
idk
I want to make things fit again, like how they use to when I was a child. But even then I look back and think how little of a window I was given for a actual "child hood".
I want the people to wear the masks again for me like when I was smaller, so I wouldn't see there ugly faces, hide in fear of there knashing teeth and forked tongues. Now I ignore it with what little dignity you can, but I still feel the need to hide every now and then.
I want my memories back, of what happines in its truest concentrated form really feels like. I want the peace of mind knowing someday I will feel the breez of distant shores. I want the simple thought that at one point money will not be a striving issue, and I can enjoy things I never have before.
I want to lay my head down tonight, feel the warmth of a body next to me, not worrying about other peoples problems, but my own.
I want the people to wear the masks again for me like when I was smaller, so I wouldn't see there ugly faces, hide in fear of there knashing teeth and forked tongues. Now I ignore it with what little dignity you can, but I still feel the need to hide every now and then.
I want my memories back, of what happines in its truest concentrated form really feels like. I want the peace of mind knowing someday I will feel the breez of distant shores. I want the simple thought that at one point money will not be a striving issue, and I can enjoy things I never have before.
I want to lay my head down tonight, feel the warmth of a body next to me, not worrying about other peoples problems, but my own.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
this is a rant I already feel guilty about.
I can't get this out of my head, and I already feel guilty...I'm upset with Puppy, not mad, just upset...idk, hes been in a mood lately, understandable, and he deserves a mental break once in a while, anyone does...but I've done everything I could to be there, even to the point of annoyence...I called him relentlessly, IM'ed him till he said somethin kinda mean...I stayed when he snaped at me, was rude, and said some actual hurtful things...I just brushed it off...now I'm upset and I just feel...ignored...I don't want all that I tried to give him...I just want him to notice...I just want someone to notice..but I wish it would be him. Just...some effort...I know its hard being so far apart, and he dosn't know what to do...I get that...he use to TRY though...he never ever failed to make it better...last night I sat on the front porch with all the lights off, crying silently, but a lot, mouthing out the words to Path by him...and for the first time in at least six months I was throughly contemplating killing myself...I've been depressed yeah, thought about it, but momentarly, briefly, few seconds then gone, and never really seriously...last night I wanted to stop breathing just so I didn't hurt for one - damn - minute. . .and I knew Andy would be busy, and I messaged him pouring my guts out, and he was.
Idk...I'm so gr...I don't own him, I don't control him, nor would I want to....he has a life, and I'm thrilled he had a friend there with him, made me smile even though I was crying to know he wouldn't be spending that night alone...but I miss when I could know without a doubt that he was going to be there when I really needed it...I don't know...I'm dragging him down, I don't want to tell him any of this because I can't stand hurting him, i can't stand seeing those beautiful green eyes dim even for a second...if I did I wouldn't have bugged him so bad when he was down...I'm just so sick of feeling alone...I'm so sick of everything hurting...everything.
...I don't know what I want, and I'm getting back to that point where I'm startting not to care...if he can't, or is to busy, yay for him for having something to do...I'm getting to that point, Like I said, where I can feel myself start to shut back up...idk...this is horrible rambling...I just miss him...I want to know I can count on him, just so I have SOMEONE to count on...Brent has Elizabeth, she needs him, and he needs her...and all my other friends...idk. I'll just keep singing the path by him and try to forget.
Idk...I'm so gr...I don't own him, I don't control him, nor would I want to....he has a life, and I'm thrilled he had a friend there with him, made me smile even though I was crying to know he wouldn't be spending that night alone...but I miss when I could know without a doubt that he was going to be there when I really needed it...I don't know...I'm dragging him down, I don't want to tell him any of this because I can't stand hurting him, i can't stand seeing those beautiful green eyes dim even for a second...if I did I wouldn't have bugged him so bad when he was down...I'm just so sick of feeling alone...I'm so sick of everything hurting...everything.
...I don't know what I want, and I'm getting back to that point where I'm startting not to care...if he can't, or is to busy, yay for him for having something to do...I'm getting to that point, Like I said, where I can feel myself start to shut back up...idk...this is horrible rambling...I just miss him...I want to know I can count on him, just so I have SOMEONE to count on...Brent has Elizabeth, she needs him, and he needs her...and all my other friends...idk. I'll just keep singing the path by him and try to forget.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Poem
Biteing back the tongue thats bleeding,
trying to keep these words from seething,
Forbidden secrets I keep feeding,
All these monsters I keep seeing,
I curse them for not believing.
Tired now of the lurking darkness,
I run away so fast and thoughtless,
Breaking mind in shatters fills the air,
I toss myself from the cliff my heart bare,
I think one last time of that stare,
How cruel it is, how unfair.
My voice is voiceless,
My thoughts are listless,
My heart is loveless,
My eyes are sightless,
My life is breathless,
My face is faceless,
Your words are meaningless,
My fate is timeless,
I am dying, so say good night and good-bye.
trying to keep these words from seething,
Forbidden secrets I keep feeding,
All these monsters I keep seeing,
I curse them for not believing.
Tired now of the lurking darkness,
I run away so fast and thoughtless,
Breaking mind in shatters fills the air,
I toss myself from the cliff my heart bare,
I think one last time of that stare,
How cruel it is, how unfair.
My voice is voiceless,
My thoughts are listless,
My heart is loveless,
My eyes are sightless,
My life is breathless,
My face is faceless,
Your words are meaningless,
My fate is timeless,
I am dying, so say good night and good-bye.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
rant
Right now I feel I have lost who I am, who I was, and all that is left is the pain that was covered up before.
I am 17, and from 7am to 9pm I am baby sitting full time a one a half year old, and a three year old. I have no life, and the one person I could count on to always be there for me...well two people actully...can't. They just can't. Brent has his own life, and needs to focus on Elizabeth ( who is Amazing ). And Andy...*sigh* Idk. He just can't right now.
I keep vainly wanting him to come in on a dark horse and rescue me from this hell, but I also forget along with that, that I am only seventeen, him only eighteen...I have gone through so much, so much that Molly is truly the only person who knows it all, that I feel so much older then I am.
Its hard for me to grip things sometimes...
I am sinking back to how I was before Andy, and it is scaring me...if I get to that point again, I don't know if there would be any saving me. Right now I am talking to him on aim and just want to scream, I NEED YOU!!! But how greedy is that? Its so greedy it knows no boundries...He is out of it right now, and I am struggling to be there for him. I always need him, always bother him, but he is my hope. To me hope is no longer a feeling emotion, but I am losing the abillity to feel more emotions, but it lives in HIM. But how can I burden him with this? I don't, and thats why I hope he never reads this...Right now, there is no saving me, I am suffering, but as my dad always says, you need to learn to suffer Quietly...
I'm just...I want what I can't have, and if I had it...I would probably still complain about it...I guess I'm needy.
I am 17, and from 7am to 9pm I am baby sitting full time a one a half year old, and a three year old. I have no life, and the one person I could count on to always be there for me...well two people actully...can't. They just can't. Brent has his own life, and needs to focus on Elizabeth ( who is Amazing ). And Andy...*sigh* Idk. He just can't right now.
I keep vainly wanting him to come in on a dark horse and rescue me from this hell, but I also forget along with that, that I am only seventeen, him only eighteen...I have gone through so much, so much that Molly is truly the only person who knows it all, that I feel so much older then I am.
Its hard for me to grip things sometimes...
I am sinking back to how I was before Andy, and it is scaring me...if I get to that point again, I don't know if there would be any saving me. Right now I am talking to him on aim and just want to scream, I NEED YOU!!! But how greedy is that? Its so greedy it knows no boundries...He is out of it right now, and I am struggling to be there for him. I always need him, always bother him, but he is my hope. To me hope is no longer a feeling emotion, but I am losing the abillity to feel more emotions, but it lives in HIM. But how can I burden him with this? I don't, and thats why I hope he never reads this...Right now, there is no saving me, I am suffering, but as my dad always says, you need to learn to suffer Quietly...
I'm just...I want what I can't have, and if I had it...I would probably still complain about it...I guess I'm needy.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Forever - please comment
I scream in a whisper, longing to be cradled in the arms of my dead, I yearn to touch and see there faces, and how much the Earth has changed them. I greedily want to take there hands and pull them from there tombs.
The exticy of embracing the marble angels, begging to know there secrets, for them to teach me the songs they use to lul the dead they guard.
The wings enfold me, promises of a sleep free from nightmares tempts me to stay forever...
What if forever? Is it till the skin rots away? The bones turn to dust? The soul goes where ever it is the soul goes? Or, is it when the soul it self if forgotten?
...And how long before I find out?
The exticy of embracing the marble angels, begging to know there secrets, for them to teach me the songs they use to lul the dead they guard.
The wings enfold me, promises of a sleep free from nightmares tempts me to stay forever...
What if forever? Is it till the skin rots away? The bones turn to dust? The soul goes where ever it is the soul goes? Or, is it when the soul it self if forgotten?
...And how long before I find out?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Bits and peices.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but of the man to behold is blind?
A curtain of laughter blocks out the screams full of pain,
the obvious day dreaming dead stare hidden from within a smile, which all to well resembles something of broken glass, shatterd and jagged.
Walk on broken bones, hold hands high blazing with volitile agony, so sweet, so bitter, so much life formed into a taste.
How cruel the mocking fingers point, only seen in the dark recesses of my mind, a wasteland of nightmares, broken promises...to remember...how I long to forget.
Speak so softly, in a whisper only for the dead. The song I sing, just for them, to lul them in there graves, to let the weeping willow weep, the black birds carry the souls away more gently, the rain fall more warmly, the night darken more softly, the moon shine more brightly.
A curtain of laughter blocks out the screams full of pain,
the obvious day dreaming dead stare hidden from within a smile, which all to well resembles something of broken glass, shatterd and jagged.
Walk on broken bones, hold hands high blazing with volitile agony, so sweet, so bitter, so much life formed into a taste.
How cruel the mocking fingers point, only seen in the dark recesses of my mind, a wasteland of nightmares, broken promises...to remember...how I long to forget.
Speak so softly, in a whisper only for the dead. The song I sing, just for them, to lul them in there graves, to let the weeping willow weep, the black birds carry the souls away more gently, the rain fall more warmly, the night darken more softly, the moon shine more brightly.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
wrote last year, but can't get it out of my mind.
The sound of the night ripples around me,
my screams echo only in my mind, but remain silent in the air,
they burn inside me, I can hear the sound of my soul tear.
Eyes bleeding black, the sanity I lack shines threw my skin, leaveing my skin cracked and bleeding, I can feel the pain seething,
almost liveing, beating, pulsing through my veins, my mind, my sight, my voice,
it leaves me torn, forlorn, broken, spinning in scorn, wishing I was never born.
To see the lives I touch parish under my hand, to see the smiles disapear from the angel faces to the grave, to know every life I am in will turn out the same.
The pain, the blame, how can I keep takeing this fame for this hurtful game?
To CRAVE, so consumend, to have something that would end all I love,
to live in hell, but to cause it, what choice do I have?
I dream of being taken away, to know it will never be that way, I will have to stay,
in this life, this mind, so full of agony I can't breath, each breath like razors in my lungs, wishing...begging....tomorrow had never begun.
my screams echo only in my mind, but remain silent in the air,
they burn inside me, I can hear the sound of my soul tear.
Eyes bleeding black, the sanity I lack shines threw my skin, leaveing my skin cracked and bleeding, I can feel the pain seething,
almost liveing, beating, pulsing through my veins, my mind, my sight, my voice,
it leaves me torn, forlorn, broken, spinning in scorn, wishing I was never born.
To see the lives I touch parish under my hand, to see the smiles disapear from the angel faces to the grave, to know every life I am in will turn out the same.
The pain, the blame, how can I keep takeing this fame for this hurtful game?
To CRAVE, so consumend, to have something that would end all I love,
to live in hell, but to cause it, what choice do I have?
I dream of being taken away, to know it will never be that way, I will have to stay,
in this life, this mind, so full of agony I can't breath, each breath like razors in my lungs, wishing...begging....tomorrow had never begun.
something i wrote a long time ago
I LIE HERE IN SHATTERS, PEICES LAY SCATTERD, BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS.
I PICK UP THE DISCARDED TATTERS PEOPLE HAVE THROWN AWAY,
AND MOVE ON TO FACE ONE MORE DAY,
AND I PRAY TO GOD IT WON'T BE THE SAME,
I PRAY TO CAST ASIDE MY SHAME, AND I MAY BE GIVEN THE GIFT TO BE BLIND, TO HIDE MY EYES FROM THE HORROR OF THE LAND BEFORE ME, THE HOPE I ONCE HAD HAS BEEN TORN FOR ME, I DO NOT WISH FOR PITY FROM YOU, BUT I WONDER HOW MUCH OF WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE.
FUZED IS MY MIND TO THE GRAVE, THE THOUGHT TO BE SAVED, TO TRADE MY LIFE FOR SOMTHING MORE, THE MERE THOUGHT SHAKES ME TO MY CORE.
LINGERS THE FINGERS OF DEATH ALWAYS AT MY THROAT, THE TRIGGERS THAT ITICH,
THE BLADE THAT SLITS,
THE ROPE THAT FITS AROUND A WILLING NECK.
TO FIGHT A UNSTOPEBLE BLIGHT, TO WIN OVER SPITE, NO, NOT EVEN WITH ALL THE MIGHT.
LOST OUR THE VOICES THAT PLEAD FOR HELP, LOST TO THOSE WHO SHUT THEM OUT, SHUT OUT FOR FEAR FROM TRUTH, NEVER AGAIN WILL IT BE USED.
A END...is a end.
I PICK UP THE DISCARDED TATTERS PEOPLE HAVE THROWN AWAY,
AND MOVE ON TO FACE ONE MORE DAY,
AND I PRAY TO GOD IT WON'T BE THE SAME,
I PRAY TO CAST ASIDE MY SHAME, AND I MAY BE GIVEN THE GIFT TO BE BLIND, TO HIDE MY EYES FROM THE HORROR OF THE LAND BEFORE ME, THE HOPE I ONCE HAD HAS BEEN TORN FOR ME, I DO NOT WISH FOR PITY FROM YOU, BUT I WONDER HOW MUCH OF WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE.
FUZED IS MY MIND TO THE GRAVE, THE THOUGHT TO BE SAVED, TO TRADE MY LIFE FOR SOMTHING MORE, THE MERE THOUGHT SHAKES ME TO MY CORE.
LINGERS THE FINGERS OF DEATH ALWAYS AT MY THROAT, THE TRIGGERS THAT ITICH,
THE BLADE THAT SLITS,
THE ROPE THAT FITS AROUND A WILLING NECK.
TO FIGHT A UNSTOPEBLE BLIGHT, TO WIN OVER SPITE, NO, NOT EVEN WITH ALL THE MIGHT.
LOST OUR THE VOICES THAT PLEAD FOR HELP, LOST TO THOSE WHO SHUT THEM OUT, SHUT OUT FOR FEAR FROM TRUTH, NEVER AGAIN WILL IT BE USED.
A END...is a end.
Peace of mind.
Weather I fall, am pushed, or forced down, it only effects me, it only hurts me, and it saves someone else who could have been in my place. And I'm strong enough for it...or at least thats what I'm constantly told.
So, I raise my chin, square my shoulders, and quickly brace myself for the next attack.
Is it enough I push on? Is it enough for me to break and plead for God to make it stop? Is it enough I've bled, enough I've lied, enough I've smiled when it was broken, laughed when it made my whole soul sear with pain?
No, I am asked more pushed for more, but I get nothing back, no peace of mind, and that, truely is all I want.
So, I raise my chin, square my shoulders, and quickly brace myself for the next attack.
Is it enough I push on? Is it enough for me to break and plead for God to make it stop? Is it enough I've bled, enough I've lied, enough I've smiled when it was broken, laughed when it made my whole soul sear with pain?
No, I am asked more pushed for more, but I get nothing back, no peace of mind, and that, truely is all I want.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I have no idea...dosen't make much sence. Angry and sad.
The memory of feelings I no longer have play in my mind, I watch them wondering why my own mind seems my greatest tormenter.
I cage the butterflys in my stomach, unwilling, and unwanting to feel there fluttering anymore. I glance back at the light danceing on the walls, I see two figures there, dancing so joyfully, I look away, almost ashamed to have looked at all.
With guilt I stand and shift around the dark room, empty, cold, it wasn't always like this, the walls were once vibrant with color, the lights weren't just phantoms, but like liveing things pulseing with the movements of others, laughter dripped from the walls, such extacy.
I close my eyes wanting to shut the images out. They ring in my mind so painfully.
But wait...this is my mind.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Ponderings. - on Myspace
What do you do when your minds becomes the war zone, instead of a haven. When it becomes something of deep, deep hatred in trade of a place of comfort?...What do you do when pain that has grown for years begins to starve, but thrive because it seems it can't grow anymore. It thrashs makeing the most simpliest things seem hard and a struggle.What do you do when its almost impossible to remember happy, when at the same time, you know at that moment, whatever it may be, you should be FEELING it, and you have a vague sence you are...but thats all, a sence, the actual abillity to grasp it, wrap it around you is long gone. How spitefull...What CAN you do when you feel unable to seperate your thoughts, they grip together, refuseing to seperate, agony, sweet volitile agony dripping from your mouth in words, traind to speak."I'm fine.""I'm ok."God...please.Falls from your eyes, in the dark, let it out.Promises, bittersweet, of a escape, said to be soon...a promise of years, years? No...never. But if said escape becomes real, what will change? What will make the diffrence?Nothing...it will change nothing.Everything rooted so deeply in the mind, no pen clicking skeltons can ease it, figure it, overdose it.Alone, things melt into another as it becomes harder to dance on the stage for people, dress up, smile pretty, beautiful, laugh on Que...there you go, ah, how perfectly done.Bravo...No, this is mine. Will it overcome me? Who knows. Not me.Will I escape it?...possibly.Can someone save me? Yes...yes they could. But how...not even I would put that on them, no one deserves it.My hell, monsters that never go away, my mind, Oh God...the ache...its mine, to suffer alone.And alone? No, I do not say this in some attempt for the reverse, to single myself out...but because I have tried...I have tried.And I am sorry for it. Better to act and have the people I love, then to let it go, ease the pain, and lose everyone.In the darkness I can still reach out and feel for those people...I need them. They don't know it, but I do.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Confusion, Pain - Journal
I miss family. I miss how we all use to get together and just joke around, I miss the delusion I had as a child that everyone loved eachother, and that everything was fine as long as family was together.
I miss thinking I was really loved by my parents, and that me and my siblings where trated equely. I miss knowing my mom was always there for me...no matter what. She used to always be there for me when I needed someone to talk to, from really important things, to little childhood worries that make me laugh to think about now...I miss that.
I honestly hope no one I know is reading this, just because I AM very open in this. I can't keep all my thoughts in my head, it bothers me to bad. I'm not really sure why...
Last night Andy and me got into a interesting conversation, by accident, my fault. I braught up that if we ever had a honymoon it would have to be somewhere hot so he couldn't wear a shirt.
And he said "We will, we just don't have a lot of money so it would have to be somewhere like Florida."
And it kindda stoped me, he said WILL. And it was the way he said it. Then he kept saying he had a secret or something, its just the way he was acting, it just worried me. I'm honestly about 90% sure I'm wrong...but, idk. You can guess what I was thinking, if not, to bad for you.
And then I told Monkey about one of my previous intries in here, about the whole Purdue college appartment thing. She said if I told him he would purpose to me...I've thought about it, and without a doubt in my mind I would say yes if he asked me, it would be impossible for me not to. He IS my whole world.
But...I would ruin him. Joey says I'm saying that because thats what his mom keeps trying to tell me, but I HONESTLY think I would ruin him...I see how my brothers life is, I don't want to do that to Andy. He deserves college without haveing to worry about me, he deserves a nice house, with a nice car, in any town he wants.
The only thing I think I deserve...ugh, well now that I think of it thats nothing.
Idk, it just makes me feel sick. I don't want to do that to him...and I adore that boy, he makes me SO unGodly happy its about rediculous.
But...I can't picture leaveing Molly, or my parents, though with how there treating me...I'm startting to like that idea...but now Molly, not my Uncle Mike. I know that Andy might understand, but I wonder how much he would understand. Leaveing Molly, would be the same as leaveing him, and that is a 100% true. I spend basically all day with her, she is my BEST friend. Over Joey, over Monkey. Molly is my best friend.
I can't even imgine about leaveing her.
But...when I think about Andy, maybe shareing a appartment with him, wakeing up every mourning with him...God, its more then a wonderfull thought. I can't tell you how often I have thought about it, Hell, I BREATH that thought, lol...
But...what if I mess up his entire life? And then one day, if he didn't want to be with me anymore ( cause I can tell you it wouldn't be me to leave him, I'de rather die first ) would he despise me for wasteing so much of his time? Would he feel bitter towards me? Idk...stupid worries right?
And also, what hes going to collge for could take him anywhere in the country...and I could live a ways away from my parents and Moe, but...countries away?
Idk...but I can't hold Andy back, I can't drag him down...
I know that last night he probably wasn't talking about that, in a matter of fact, Im posotive, but that dosen't mean it won't EVER happen...I just wonder, would he understand how all those things would be hard for me?
=/ I'm pretty stupid aren't I?
I miss thinking I was really loved by my parents, and that me and my siblings where trated equely. I miss knowing my mom was always there for me...no matter what. She used to always be there for me when I needed someone to talk to, from really important things, to little childhood worries that make me laugh to think about now...I miss that.
I honestly hope no one I know is reading this, just because I AM very open in this. I can't keep all my thoughts in my head, it bothers me to bad. I'm not really sure why...
Last night Andy and me got into a interesting conversation, by accident, my fault. I braught up that if we ever had a honymoon it would have to be somewhere hot so he couldn't wear a shirt.
And he said "We will, we just don't have a lot of money so it would have to be somewhere like Florida."
And it kindda stoped me, he said WILL. And it was the way he said it. Then he kept saying he had a secret or something, its just the way he was acting, it just worried me. I'm honestly about 90% sure I'm wrong...but, idk. You can guess what I was thinking, if not, to bad for you.
And then I told Monkey about one of my previous intries in here, about the whole Purdue college appartment thing. She said if I told him he would purpose to me...I've thought about it, and without a doubt in my mind I would say yes if he asked me, it would be impossible for me not to. He IS my whole world.
But...I would ruin him. Joey says I'm saying that because thats what his mom keeps trying to tell me, but I HONESTLY think I would ruin him...I see how my brothers life is, I don't want to do that to Andy. He deserves college without haveing to worry about me, he deserves a nice house, with a nice car, in any town he wants.
The only thing I think I deserve...ugh, well now that I think of it thats nothing.
Idk, it just makes me feel sick. I don't want to do that to him...and I adore that boy, he makes me SO unGodly happy its about rediculous.
But...I can't picture leaveing Molly, or my parents, though with how there treating me...I'm startting to like that idea...but now Molly, not my Uncle Mike. I know that Andy might understand, but I wonder how much he would understand. Leaveing Molly, would be the same as leaveing him, and that is a 100% true. I spend basically all day with her, she is my BEST friend. Over Joey, over Monkey. Molly is my best friend.
I can't even imgine about leaveing her.
But...when I think about Andy, maybe shareing a appartment with him, wakeing up every mourning with him...God, its more then a wonderfull thought. I can't tell you how often I have thought about it, Hell, I BREATH that thought, lol...
But...what if I mess up his entire life? And then one day, if he didn't want to be with me anymore ( cause I can tell you it wouldn't be me to leave him, I'de rather die first ) would he despise me for wasteing so much of his time? Would he feel bitter towards me? Idk...stupid worries right?
And also, what hes going to collge for could take him anywhere in the country...and I could live a ways away from my parents and Moe, but...countries away?
Idk...but I can't hold Andy back, I can't drag him down...
I know that last night he probably wasn't talking about that, in a matter of fact, Im posotive, but that dosen't mean it won't EVER happen...I just wonder, would he understand how all those things would be hard for me?
=/ I'm pretty stupid aren't I?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
w/e
I've been listening to people for the last couple weeks. They don't know what I've heard, and I won't say the people who told me. Most of it was over hearing.
Guess there is a use of being invisable sometimes. I won't say who, because they know who they are.
I know that people are startting to get tired of my "pitty depression act"
Well, Screw you idiots.
I thought you where all my friends, and I thought you would all know better then to know me to take some petty meaningless hit and blow it out of paportion, or after all ths shit my brother pulled to be that desperate for attention, but, apparently I was wrong.
Some of my closesst friends have startted fadeing, tired of me "selling out on them"
You guys have no idea...no damn idea how hard it is for me to let moe go with friends and stay behind, makeing up some meaningless excuse. I do it not because I want to, and hell knows I have NOTHING better to do. I do it because lately I've been so utterly lost, and so depressed ( and no not the faking it fuck tards ) I haven't wanted to ruin any of your idiots good time. I don't want to sit there being asked every few seconds, "are you ok? are you ok?"
I stay behind because the one thing I SWORE never to do was drag the people I love down.
I love you all...If I didn't, I wouldn't be trying so hard to keep what little contact I have.
I hoped you would try to understand, I hoped that you might be there, instead of startting visious rumors, and slideing painfull words behind my back, just in ear shot.
Joey, I love you, and I know you think I'm ditching you, but you couldn't be more wrong. I know staying in your room all day non stop bothers you, I know its getting to you, I know all the shit jessica pulls gets to you, and Jessica if you read this, I know you yourself are under a lot of preasure, and going through heaps of confusion, understandable.
But Joey, I AM trying, If I tried any harder I'de be a vegtable.
And this goes to everyone....please. I am trying.
At least relize that much.
Please listen to this song...most important thing in this bulletin - Taproot - Hate Myself.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Following - Kindda Poem
The woods are dark from the night,
The trees standing out black against everything.
My bare feet step slowly on the wet ground, the tall grass, the slight crunch of leaves as I move.
Howls are heard in the distance, fading from closer to far away, like eerie music to set the mood.
I can feel the cold wind blowing through my hair, but I do not break my pace. Nor do my eyes shift at the sounds of things moving around me. Across the river next to me, I glimpse shadows moving and darting around trees, disappearing out of sight, then the flash of eyes in the darkness, but I do not look, the chills running up my spine force me not too.
I walk faster as the things across from me pick up pace, suddenly caught in a urge to follow them, though I still won't look at them. Unknown to me what they are.
I can feel rain falling all around me, the ground around me becomes harder to move through, bush's and trees thicker the farther I go. But I can't stop, not anymore.
The howls so far away before seem to ring in my ears now. Echoing around my mind, just barley starting to fade before the next one sounds, louder then the one before.
Soon, I'm running, unable to find a reason why, and in honesty, not wanting to.
My feet touch the ground for a split second before I'm flying in the air again, drenched from head to foot. I feel myself leap over logs, and my feet slip over fallen branch's, not thinking anymore, just pushed to keep moving, faster, farther away.
I feel my mind darken, but I let it, not wanting to stop. I follow the howls into the night, letting the feeling of almost flying take over, next to me I can feel the shapes in the darkness, watching me, guiding me.
The trees standing out black against everything.
My bare feet step slowly on the wet ground, the tall grass, the slight crunch of leaves as I move.
Howls are heard in the distance, fading from closer to far away, like eerie music to set the mood.
I can feel the cold wind blowing through my hair, but I do not break my pace. Nor do my eyes shift at the sounds of things moving around me. Across the river next to me, I glimpse shadows moving and darting around trees, disappearing out of sight, then the flash of eyes in the darkness, but I do not look, the chills running up my spine force me not too.
I walk faster as the things across from me pick up pace, suddenly caught in a urge to follow them, though I still won't look at them. Unknown to me what they are.
I can feel rain falling all around me, the ground around me becomes harder to move through, bush's and trees thicker the farther I go. But I can't stop, not anymore.
The howls so far away before seem to ring in my ears now. Echoing around my mind, just barley starting to fade before the next one sounds, louder then the one before.
Soon, I'm running, unable to find a reason why, and in honesty, not wanting to.
My feet touch the ground for a split second before I'm flying in the air again, drenched from head to foot. I feel myself leap over logs, and my feet slip over fallen branch's, not thinking anymore, just pushed to keep moving, faster, farther away.
I feel my mind darken, but I let it, not wanting to stop. I follow the howls into the night, letting the feeling of almost flying take over, next to me I can feel the shapes in the darkness, watching me, guiding me.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Worries - Journal
To say I've been confused lately is a large understatement.
I've been trying to avoid talking to people about it, and I've had a lot of people ask me about it...I just can't think of how to explain it, so hear it goes in a mess of words I hope to sort out a bit.
My first worry is college, I'm just short of being 17, I've been homeschooled my whole life, and in a little under six months I'm going to be thrown in a inviroment of classes, teachers, home work, people, books, lots and lots of them. It scares me, but at the same time I'm looking forward to it. The thing is, now my mom dosen't really want me to go, and for the last two weeks shes been spazzy and acting like she dosen't want me around her, then when I bring up collge she freaks out, and says things that make me feel un ready, and unasure of myself, and it hurts, as you can imagine.
Secondly is next yer. Yes, yes, I know, its a year away. But how fast this year is going to go, I know I won't have time to prepare for it...
You see, I was hopeing I could move in with my bf at Purdue, and it sounds like a great idea, and I know I would love it to death, being around him that much, I doubt I'de ever have a depressed moment again...its just a stupid old fashiond thing, ya know?
I am not in any way undermineing his knoledge, but...I've already done something I promised I wouldn't do untill I was at least engaged ( I agreed to it, and in no way stopped him at all, and that dosen't bother me anymore )
but the whole moveing in with someone...I know this sounds stupid, its just...if I'm good enough to live with, why would it be so hard to just be engaed? It wouldn't mean we would have to go get married right away...but I'm getting ahead of myself, of course, thats what I do, lol. Its just buggin me a bit.
That and I can't even put into words how much I would miss my family, and I'm SO caught. Between Andy, and my family...Everytime I think about leaveing Molly it makes me almost phisically sick.
I want to talk to him about it, but good Lord, hes 18, I'm not even 17 yet, and I've braught it up to much as it is...Idk, I'm stupid.
I've been trying to avoid talking to people about it, and I've had a lot of people ask me about it...I just can't think of how to explain it, so hear it goes in a mess of words I hope to sort out a bit.
My first worry is college, I'm just short of being 17, I've been homeschooled my whole life, and in a little under six months I'm going to be thrown in a inviroment of classes, teachers, home work, people, books, lots and lots of them. It scares me, but at the same time I'm looking forward to it. The thing is, now my mom dosen't really want me to go, and for the last two weeks shes been spazzy and acting like she dosen't want me around her, then when I bring up collge she freaks out, and says things that make me feel un ready, and unasure of myself, and it hurts, as you can imagine.
Secondly is next yer. Yes, yes, I know, its a year away. But how fast this year is going to go, I know I won't have time to prepare for it...
You see, I was hopeing I could move in with my bf at Purdue, and it sounds like a great idea, and I know I would love it to death, being around him that much, I doubt I'de ever have a depressed moment again...its just a stupid old fashiond thing, ya know?
I am not in any way undermineing his knoledge, but...I've already done something I promised I wouldn't do untill I was at least engaged ( I agreed to it, and in no way stopped him at all, and that dosen't bother me anymore )
but the whole moveing in with someone...I know this sounds stupid, its just...if I'm good enough to live with, why would it be so hard to just be engaed? It wouldn't mean we would have to go get married right away...but I'm getting ahead of myself, of course, thats what I do, lol. Its just buggin me a bit.
That and I can't even put into words how much I would miss my family, and I'm SO caught. Between Andy, and my family...Everytime I think about leaveing Molly it makes me almost phisically sick.
I want to talk to him about it, but good Lord, hes 18, I'm not even 17 yet, and I've braught it up to much as it is...Idk, I'm stupid.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Explaining
This is just explaining what this blog is about. I'll post some poems, but it will mostly be journals. I'll put poem or Journal next to the title name so that way no one reads what they don't want too.
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