rant

Right now I feel I have lost who I am, who I was, and all that is left is the pain that was covered up before.
I am 17, and from 7am to 9pm I am baby sitting full time a one a half year old, and a three year old. I have no life, and the one person I could count on to always be there for me...well two people actully...can't. They just can't. Brent has his own life, and needs to focus on Elizabeth ( who is Amazing ). And Andy...*sigh* Idk. He just can't right now.
I keep vainly wanting him to come in on a dark horse and rescue me from this hell, but I also forget along with that, that I am only seventeen, him only eighteen...I have gone through so much, so much that Molly is truly the only person who knows it all, that I feel so much older then I am.
Its hard for me to grip things sometimes...
I am sinking back to how I was before Andy, and it is scaring me...if I get to that point again, I don't know if there would be any saving me. Right now I am talking to him on aim and just want to scream, I NEED YOU!!! But how greedy is that? Its so greedy it knows no boundries...He is out of it right now, and I am struggling to be there for him. I always need him, always bother him, but he is my hope. To me hope is no longer a feeling emotion, but I am losing the abillity to feel more emotions, but it lives in HIM. But how can I burden him with this? I don't, and thats why I hope he never reads this...Right now, there is no saving me, I am suffering, but as my dad always says, you need to learn to suffer Quietly...
I'm just...I want what I can't have, and if I had it...I would probably still complain about it...I guess I'm needy.