this is a rant I already feel guilty about.

I can't get this out of my head, and I already feel guilty...I'm upset with Puppy, not mad, just upset...idk, hes been in a mood lately, understandable, and he deserves a mental break once in a while, anyone does...but I've done everything I could to be there, even to the point of annoyence...I called him relentlessly, IM'ed him till he said somethin kinda mean...I stayed when he snaped at me, was rude, and said some actual hurtful things...I just brushed it off...now I'm upset and I just feel...ignored...I don't want all that I tried to give him...I just want him to notice...I just want someone to notice..but I wish it would be him. Just...some effort...I know its hard being so far apart, and he dosn't know what to do...I get that...he use to TRY though...he never ever failed to make it better...last night I sat on the front porch with all the lights off, crying silently, but a lot, mouthing out the words to Path by him...and for the first time in at least six months I was throughly contemplating killing myself...I've been depressed yeah, thought about it, but momentarly, briefly, few seconds then gone, and never really seriously...last night I wanted to stop breathing just so I didn't hurt for one - damn - minute. . .and I knew Andy would be busy, and I messaged him pouring my guts out, and he was.
Idk...I'm so gr...I don't own him, I don't control him, nor would I want to....he has a life, and I'm thrilled he had a friend there with him, made me smile even though I was crying to know he wouldn't be spending that night alone...but I miss when I could know without a doubt that he was going to be there when I really needed it...I don't know...I'm dragging him down, I don't want to tell him any of this because I can't stand hurting him, i can't stand seeing those beautiful green eyes dim even for a second...if I did I wouldn't have bugged him so bad when he was down...I'm just so sick of feeling alone...I'm so sick of everything hurting...everything.
...I don't know what I want, and I'm getting back to that point where I'm startting not to care...if he can't, or is to busy, yay for him for having something to do...I'm getting to that point, Like I said, where I can feel myself start to shut back up...idk...this is horrible rambling...I just miss him...I want to know I can count on him, just so I have SOMEONE to count on...Brent has Elizabeth, she needs him, and he needs her...and all my other friends...idk. I'll just keep singing the path by him and try to forget.