Confusion, Pain - Journal

I miss family. I miss how we all use to get together and just joke around, I miss the delusion I had as a child that everyone loved eachother, and that everything was fine as long as family was together.
I miss thinking I was really loved by my parents, and that me and my siblings where trated equely. I miss knowing my mom was always there for me...no matter what. She used to always be there for me when I needed someone to talk to, from really important things, to little childhood worries that make me laugh to think about now...I miss that.


I honestly hope no one I know is reading this, just because I AM very open in this. I can't keep all my thoughts in my head, it bothers me to bad. I'm not really sure why...
Last night Andy and me got into a interesting conversation, by accident, my fault. I braught up that if we ever had a honymoon it would have to be somewhere hot so he couldn't wear a shirt.
And he said "We will, we just don't have a lot of money so it would have to be somewhere like Florida."
And it kindda stoped me, he said WILL. And it was the way he said it. Then he kept saying he had a secret or something, its just the way he was acting, it just worried me. I'm honestly about 90% sure I'm wrong...but, idk. You can guess what I was thinking, if not, to bad for you.
And then I told Monkey about one of my previous intries in here, about the whole Purdue college appartment thing. She said if I told him he would purpose to me...I've thought about it, and without a doubt in my mind I would say yes if he asked me, it would be impossible for me not to. He IS my whole world.
But...I would ruin him. Joey says I'm saying that because thats what his mom keeps trying to tell me, but I HONESTLY think I would ruin him...I see how my brothers life is, I don't want to do that to Andy. He deserves college without haveing to worry about me, he deserves a nice house, with a nice car, in any town he wants.
The only thing I think I deserve...ugh, well now that I think of it thats nothing.
Idk, it just makes me feel sick. I don't want to do that to him...and I adore that boy, he makes me SO unGodly happy its about rediculous.
But...I can't picture leaveing Molly, or my parents, though with how there treating me...I'm startting to like that idea...but now Molly, not my Uncle Mike. I know that Andy might understand, but I wonder how much he would understand. Leaveing Molly, would be the same as leaveing him, and that is a 100% true. I spend basically all day with her, she is my BEST friend. Over Joey, over Monkey. Molly is my best friend.
I can't even imgine about leaveing her.
But...when I think about Andy, maybe shareing a appartment with him, wakeing up every mourning with him...God, its more then a wonderfull thought. I can't tell you how often I have thought about it, Hell, I BREATH that thought, lol...
But...what if I mess up his entire life? And then one day, if he didn't want to be with me anymore ( cause I can tell you it wouldn't be me to leave him, I'de rather die first ) would he despise me for wasteing so much of his time? Would he feel bitter towards me? Idk...stupid worries right?
And also, what hes going to collge for could take him anywhere in the country...and I could live a ways away from my parents and Moe, but...countries away?
Idk...but I can't hold Andy back, I can't drag him down...
I know that last night he probably wasn't talking about that, in a matter of fact, Im posotive, but that dosen't mean it won't EVER happen...I just wonder, would he understand how all those things would be hard for me?
=/ I'm pretty stupid aren't I?