I'm Sorry

I just feel numb.
Not numb like I usually feel...tonight should have been a great night...I went to see New Moon with my friends...well whats left of my friends. I was the only one with lack of excitement, their were a few parts in the movie where I got jumpy, was excited...but something was nagging on me, and despite my trys, it just kept surfacing everytime I tried to drown it out with the hympnotizing effects of Jacob Black, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan...
After the movie, it was 2:30 in the mourning, we went to "ya light plole" at the far end of the parking lot, everybody was jumping around, screaming, we even got into a howling match with a group of people in a car at the other end of the parking lot. . .I was ok for a while, and then everyone else went up to the front of the movie theatre...I stayed where I was, looking out into the empty feild, it was dark, I heard Monkey come up behind, Monkey, MY Alice, who can't bare leaving me alone, lol...We startted talking, and I'm not sure where this conversation came from.
"Ya know...so many people we know, girls, boys, have said they would turn into a vampire, have what the Cullens have...but would they REALLY?...Give up everything they had ever known, would they?" I asked her.
"I would!" Monkey said happily. I looked at her for a moment and she realized I wasn't joking.
"Well...if I could have a Renesmee like Bella, I have to have kids...and If I could see my mom."
I told her, if she couldn't, would she still. She said if there was someone like Edward for her, yes. Then she asked me, if I would.
"I'm living in a house where I have to struggle to teach myself a basic education...and I've never fit in anywhere Monk, not really...even when I use to have nine or ten friends at a time, they were afraid of me, or just seemed...intimadated...I've never even fit in with my family...If I could find a family like the Cullens, be loved like that, have people I could trust like that, doubtless a education...but just FIT, somewhere, just FIT for once...yes." I said. She seemed taken aback, and left me standing just out of the light of the lamp post.
I couldn't stop thinking...something has been WRONG with me lately, and tonight I realized, its not almost as bad, or no where near as bad as I use to be...its WORSE...Tonight on the way home I realized...I honestly wanted to die, in that moment, I wanted to die. I wanted to be dead, I just didn't want to do this anymore...I'm so sick of it. All of it.
I called Andy when I got home, not thinking he was awake, that I would just leave a voice mail. But he was, playing his new video game, I wanted to scream "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!" But...I didn't. It took every fiber of my being not to, to sit there and act like I was ok. . .I just want one person I can go to no matter what, that will be there for me no matter what...but thats unrealistic, because it can't happen. I love the Twilight books, and the movies, but they depress me like nothing else. Here are these people, their for eachother without ryme or reason, just because...just because. I want that more then anything on this planet, just...not feel so alone. Not be afraid like I was when I was talking to Andy that if I told him, he would just be pissed he couldn't play his game, or something...hes coming later today, I was angry at first because I realized he wasn't going to sleep until he came here, that he was planning to just sleep all day, that is until he has his hour match on his game...but now thinking about it, its perfect. No questions I guess...
I'm just scared...I honestly, sitting here right now writing this...want to just...die.
I also want Andy to wake me up when he gets here and just tell me he loves me.
Idk!...I've never wanted death this bad in my life, I want to call Andy because I'm afraid, I want to call him because I'm afraid to be alone...I want to call him because I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself tonight.
Idk...I can't think, my minds startting to go blank...maybe I'll go call him...maybe...or maybe I'll do something else. Idk.
On the off chance my stupidity does get the best of me tonight, I'm sorry.