Grounded Shattered Shards.

So...lately my friends have all but cut me out of their lives, partly because my anti social'ness, partly I don't know. I want to yell at them, tell them everything to make them understand, but I won't...
I am not talking on IM's, in person, or on the phone, hell, I'm avoiding hanging out with people, because any length of time where I talk to them, I'm tempted to tell them how I want to kill myself and beg them to tell me one fucking thing that'll make me stop.
Right now the ONLY thing I have in my future is Andy, besides that it looks like shit.
I want to tell Andy, but he see's things so logically, he thinks if you have a set and realistic plan for everything, it WILL work out, it just has to, and if not, oh well.
I don't want "oh well" I want to be inspired and WANT something. Right now the only want I have IS to WANT something.
I sat in the chair tonight for three hours by myself trying to make a inkling of sence out of ANYTHING...and I had nothing.
Everyone I know has at least a vague idea and hope of what they want to do. Brent has Marines, maybe not the best thing in the world, but...the kid was born to do it, hes not the grocery store, office desk type of person...honestly if I saw him in either I would laugh, or cry, either one.
Andy is already in college working on his goal.
Joey is in college and trying to decide between two things, both of which she is already taking classes for.
Monkey is going to be a History teacher.
Jd is going to be a history Professor, the list continues.
...I just want to write, and eventually one day be a mom. A good one.
But...where does that lead me in the time between there, and here? I want to go to school for pyschology, but am I honestly smart enough? I know everyone thinks I am...but Gah...why does it FEEL so impossible?
I wish I could get someone to support me, Andy kind of does, but its always followed by a very large "BUT" I just want once for someone to say, Kate, you can do this. or something of that nature, AND MEAN IT!
....
Everyone has been telling me so many things...I wish I didn't fucking care anymore! I made myself care for Andy, but now I care how normal people care, I use to not care at all! I just did w/e sounded like it would work, and if it didn't...something else, or I just didn't try because I already knew I would fail.
Now I want something, so badly, I want to know I can do it, have it in front of me, and get it fucking done!
...
I just don't want to feel right now...I honestly sat with my legs folded to my chest in the bottom of a shower crying for a good half hour, I just wanted to stop-feeling. I was thinking about suicide...anything.
Everything seems so dark,
everything is dim,
I want one tineiest glimmer,
one waver of hope...
but no one is giving me any of it, not even a slight word of encouragement. . .no one.
I feel so alone in this, so broken...not even broken, broken, then the peices shattered, then the shattered pieces grounded into fine dust which is then scattered all over three states.
...I'm gonna curl up and sleep now, hopefully when I wake up...I won't feel anything.
I miss talking to Brent...like we use to...I miss hanging with Steph and her and me not fighting because shes jelous, or w/e, I don't even know. . .I want, I want, I want...such vain words....such a waste of breath that could be used in something so much more meaningful then my meaningless squabble...

...God, please help me make it through this, I know you will...I'm just asking.