Confusion, Pain - Journal

I miss family. I miss how we all use to get together and just joke around, I miss the delusion I had as a child that everyone loved eachother, and that everything was fine as long as family was together.
I miss thinking I was really loved by my parents, and that me and my siblings where trated equely. I miss knowing my mom was always there for me...no matter what. She used to always be there for me when I needed someone to talk to, from really important things, to little childhood worries that make me laugh to think about now...I miss that.


I honestly hope no one I know is reading this, just because I AM very open in this. I can't keep all my thoughts in my head, it bothers me to bad. I'm not really sure why...
Last night Andy and me got into a interesting conversation, by accident, my fault. I braught up that if we ever had a honymoon it would have to be somewhere hot so he couldn't wear a shirt.
And he said "We will, we just don't have a lot of money so it would have to be somewhere like Florida."
And it kindda stoped me, he said WILL. And it was the way he said it. Then he kept saying he had a secret or something, its just the way he was acting, it just worried me. I'm honestly about 90% sure I'm wrong...but, idk. You can guess what I was thinking, if not, to bad for you.
And then I told Monkey about one of my previous intries in here, about the whole Purdue college appartment thing. She said if I told him he would purpose to me...I've thought about it, and without a doubt in my mind I would say yes if he asked me, it would be impossible for me not to. He IS my whole world.
But...I would ruin him. Joey says I'm saying that because thats what his mom keeps trying to tell me, but I HONESTLY think I would ruin him...I see how my brothers life is, I don't want to do that to Andy. He deserves college without haveing to worry about me, he deserves a nice house, with a nice car, in any town he wants.
The only thing I think I deserve...ugh, well now that I think of it thats nothing.
Idk, it just makes me feel sick. I don't want to do that to him...and I adore that boy, he makes me SO unGodly happy its about rediculous.
But...I can't picture leaveing Molly, or my parents, though with how there treating me...I'm startting to like that idea...but now Molly, not my Uncle Mike. I know that Andy might understand, but I wonder how much he would understand. Leaveing Molly, would be the same as leaveing him, and that is a 100% true. I spend basically all day with her, she is my BEST friend. Over Joey, over Monkey. Molly is my best friend.
I can't even imgine about leaveing her.
But...when I think about Andy, maybe shareing a appartment with him, wakeing up every mourning with him...God, its more then a wonderfull thought. I can't tell you how often I have thought about it, Hell, I BREATH that thought, lol...
But...what if I mess up his entire life? And then one day, if he didn't want to be with me anymore ( cause I can tell you it wouldn't be me to leave him, I'de rather die first ) would he despise me for wasteing so much of his time? Would he feel bitter towards me? Idk...stupid worries right?
And also, what hes going to collge for could take him anywhere in the country...and I could live a ways away from my parents and Moe, but...countries away?
Idk...but I can't hold Andy back, I can't drag him down...
I know that last night he probably wasn't talking about that, in a matter of fact, Im posotive, but that dosen't mean it won't EVER happen...I just wonder, would he understand how all those things would be hard for me?
=/ I'm pretty stupid aren't I?

w/e

I've been listening to people for the last couple weeks. They don't know what I've heard, and I won't say the people who told me. Most of it was over hearing.
Guess there is a use of being invisable sometimes. I won't say who, because they know who they are.
I know that people are startting to get tired of my "pitty depression act"
Well, Screw you idiots.
I thought you where all my friends, and I thought you would all know better then to know me to take some petty meaningless hit and blow it out of paportion, or after all ths shit my brother pulled to be that desperate for attention, but, apparently I was wrong.
Some of my closesst friends have startted fadeing, tired of me "selling out on them"
You guys have no idea...no damn idea how hard it is for me to let moe go with friends and stay behind, makeing up some meaningless excuse. I do it not because I want to, and hell knows I have NOTHING better to do. I do it because lately I've been so utterly lost, and so depressed ( and no not the faking it fuck tards ) I haven't wanted to ruin any of your idiots good time. I don't want to sit there being asked every few seconds, "are you ok? are you ok?"
I stay behind because the one thing I SWORE never to do was drag the people I love down.
I love you all...If I didn't, I wouldn't be trying so hard to keep what little contact I have.
I hoped you would try to understand, I hoped that you might be there, instead of startting visious rumors, and slideing painfull words behind my back, just in ear shot.
Joey, I love you, and I know you think I'm ditching you, but you couldn't be more wrong. I know staying in your room all day non stop bothers you, I know its getting to you, I know all the shit jessica pulls gets to you, and Jessica if you read this, I know you yourself are under a lot of preasure, and going through heaps of confusion, understandable.
But Joey, I AM trying, If I tried any harder I'de be a vegtable.
And this goes to everyone....please. I am trying.
At least relize that much.


Please listen to this song...most important thing in this bulletin - Taproot - Hate Myself.

Following - Kindda Poem

The woods are dark from the night,
The trees standing out black against everything.
My bare feet step slowly on the wet ground, the tall grass, the slight crunch of leaves as I move.
Howls are heard in the distance, fading from closer to far away, like eerie music to set the mood.
I can feel the cold wind blowing through my hair, but I do not break my pace. Nor do my eyes shift at the sounds of things moving around me. Across the river next to me, I glimpse shadows moving and darting around trees, disappearing out of sight, then the flash of eyes in the darkness, but I do not look, the chills running up my spine force me not too.
I walk faster as the things across from me pick up pace, suddenly caught in a urge to follow them, though I still won't look at them. Unknown to me what they are.
I can feel rain falling all around me, the ground around me becomes harder to move through, bush's and trees thicker the farther I go. But I can't stop, not anymore.
The howls so far away before seem to ring in my ears now. Echoing around my mind, just barley starting to fade before the next one sounds, louder then the one before.
Soon, I'm running, unable to find a reason why, and in honesty, not wanting to.
My feet touch the ground for a split second before I'm flying in the air again, drenched from head to foot. I feel myself leap over logs, and my feet slip over fallen branch's, not thinking anymore, just pushed to keep moving, faster, farther away.
I feel my mind darken, but I let it, not wanting to stop. I follow the howls into the night, letting the feeling of almost flying take over, next to me I can feel the shapes in the darkness, watching me, guiding me.

Worries - Journal

To say I've been confused lately is a large understatement.
I've been trying to avoid talking to people about it, and I've had a lot of people ask me about it...I just can't think of how to explain it, so hear it goes in a mess of words I hope to sort out a bit.

My first worry is college, I'm just short of being 17, I've been homeschooled my whole life, and in a little under six months I'm going to be thrown in a inviroment of classes, teachers, home work, people, books, lots and lots of them. It scares me, but at the same time I'm looking forward to it. The thing is, now my mom dosen't really want me to go, and for the last two weeks shes been spazzy and acting like she dosen't want me around her, then when I bring up collge she freaks out, and says things that make me feel un ready, and unasure of myself, and it hurts, as you can imagine.

Secondly is next yer. Yes, yes, I know, its a year away. But how fast this year is going to go, I know I won't have time to prepare for it...
You see, I was hopeing I could move in with my bf at Purdue, and it sounds like a great idea, and I know I would love it to death, being around him that much, I doubt I'de ever have a depressed moment again...its just a stupid old fashiond thing, ya know?
I am not in any way undermineing his knoledge, but...I've already done something I promised I wouldn't do untill I was at least engaged ( I agreed to it, and in no way stopped him at all, and that dosen't bother me anymore )
but the whole moveing in with someone...I know this sounds stupid, its just...if I'm good enough to live with, why would it be so hard to just be engaed? It wouldn't mean we would have to go get married right away...but I'm getting ahead of myself, of course, thats what I do, lol. Its just buggin me a bit.
That and I can't even put into words how much I would miss my family, and I'm SO caught. Between Andy, and my family...Everytime I think about leaveing Molly it makes me almost phisically sick.
I want to talk to him about it, but good Lord, hes 18, I'm not even 17 yet, and I've braught it up to much as it is...Idk, I'm stupid.

Explaining

This is just explaining what this blog is about. I'll post some poems, but it will mostly be journals. I'll put poem or Journal next to the title name so that way no one reads what they don't want too.