Again

Its like finger nails, digging into the back of my skull.
Its the screaming, ear splinting that makes me feel so small.
Its the demon, looming over me, sharp teeth protruding from its gaping maw.

I'm the bird, thought to be free of its cage,
Only to realize to late, I'll always be its slave.
The illusion of freedom draped in patriotic words,
The force fed name of sanity, preached and slurred.

Burned from the agony of a rotting mind,
Decaying thoughts, dying time,
Lying just to stay alive,
seeing now I was always blind.

To this fate I've been binded.
Look on, no ones ever minded.
I've bled my thoughts from pen to paper,
I've watched my words drift away like vapor.
I've dreaded every waking hour,
As you watch glowering from you asure tower.

My dreams following me in my waking,
So real it leaves me aching,
Dreams of cold blades to cold stone,
Of ground rittled in my bones,
To wretched to live alone.

A wretch I am, in my mind, alone.

Ramblings

I write here, because I'm safe here, because no one reads the things I put here. My mind is spinning painfully fast, I keep trying to reach out and grasp whatever it is, but it just slips out of my hands, like trying to grab at fog or mist.
Somehow, in the back of my mind, it accured to me, as Neurosonic came floating on to the jeep while I was driving that Brent would be leaveing very soon. Andy wants me to stop talking to him, and regardless though I'm sure he'll hate hearing this as he has every right to be, i'm getting tired of not even being able to so much as MENTION him in a sentence without Liz getting all huffy about it.
I just wish I could talk to him ONCE like we use to. Just one time, just so I knew we were ok before he left.
Every single person just keeps telling me to let it go, let him go, but they don't get it.
No I don't love him, I never loved him, but in a way I did. Not like a boyfriend, but like a brother. He was my best friends for three years, and now hes leaving and all we do is seem to snap at eachother. I feel like he doesn't care, like maybe part of him wants to talk to me, but not like how he use to.
I use to be able to go to him without a doubt in my mind he would have some dumb shit to send me to cheer me up, some annoying ass rap song to piss me off, or long debates on different views on polotics, gaming, guns, family, school,or what the fuck ever.
He never called me weird, freak, or anything like that for my insane writing, he said he understood, and I knew he meant it, it wasn't just words.
And now its just hostile, I'm writing this way to fast and it probably won't make sence later. I haven't even paused this entire time, my arm is actually starting to ache sadly....
Anyway...I keep trying to find someone to give me a ride up there. I know Brent might do it, but with how things are going, Idk if I want to have myself up there with no escape.
I know hes not the same anymore, not even close, and i'm HAPPY hes in love with Liz, I honest to GOD am. I just want to see him and know we are ok before he leaves.


Not only that, but I just...idk. I was driving home a few days ago and was taking a bad rode (because I can do up to 60/70 back there and no one is gonna stop me) and I just pulled off to the side and sat there staring off into some woods. . . for the first time since I was little I kept wishing something would come out of the woods and take me, kill me, what ever. I just waited...before I knew it I glanced at the clock and had been sitting there for almost twenty mintues. I drove home but the feeling didn't go away. . . gah I'm not making sence.
I keep fighting to see something bright in my future, I keep struggling to feel something, bu the only time I fucking can is when Andys here, I just....fuck I can't talk. My minds going all fucking static noise.

...I'm just gonna work on my short stories.

Fight For Me

Scnerio

I step in the shower with the hope that hot water will wash every thought away. I can feel every drop as it rolls down my skin. I lean against the wall, my head tilting up, the hot water scorching my eyes, its painful but I don't move, I focus on it instead.
It feels like mere seconds before the water is freezing, I'm shaking, but at the same time I don't feel cold. I step out of the shower, not bothering with a towl. I walk across the long bathroom to the double mirrors, my reflection seems blurred and unreal. I drag my fingers across the glass, I watch as the fog is swept away like magic behind my fingers. In one of the claw like spaces I see my eyes staring back. Ice cold blue and empty...but underneath that there was something else. I imagined myself staring back out at me from my eye, in a dark room and screaming a soundless scream, face twisted in anguish. I knew what I was screaming for even though I couldn't hear it.
"Mercy. God please, mercy".
I feel my hands groping around for something, it stumbles across something small and I feel my fist close around it. My eyes sweep over my face, pale skin, pink lips, square jaw matched with a rounder face, and finely back to the large ice blue eyes.
I gasp as a sudden pain sears up my arm, looking down I see red every where. I try to think where the pain came from, where the red was coming from, but my mind was slipping away. I reach for a towl, anything to stop it, but my moves are clumsy, I stumble, I don't feel the pain of the floor, just the crack of my head against a chair.

I feel myself be jostled around, my arms are strapped down, I try to open my eyes but can't. I hear voices calling my name, but I can't answer them, something is pressed hard over my mouth. Sound is fading in and out, I finely manage to pick up a siren. A ambulance.
I pry my eyes open, a EMT stares back down at me, hes flashing something in my eyes. I try to look down at my arms, the pain in them was growing. Bandages wrapped my arms so thick I felt like they were in cast's, crimson was soaking through them, the white was disapearing quicker and quicker.
I slip back into sleep.

Weeks later a friend ask's me what I learned from the experience. I just look at her and say.
"To cut deeper, and lock the door"

Grounded Shattered Shards.

So...lately my friends have all but cut me out of their lives, partly because my anti social'ness, partly I don't know. I want to yell at them, tell them everything to make them understand, but I won't...
I am not talking on IM's, in person, or on the phone, hell, I'm avoiding hanging out with people, because any length of time where I talk to them, I'm tempted to tell them how I want to kill myself and beg them to tell me one fucking thing that'll make me stop.
Right now the ONLY thing I have in my future is Andy, besides that it looks like shit.
I want to tell Andy, but he see's things so logically, he thinks if you have a set and realistic plan for everything, it WILL work out, it just has to, and if not, oh well.
I don't want "oh well" I want to be inspired and WANT something. Right now the only want I have IS to WANT something.
I sat in the chair tonight for three hours by myself trying to make a inkling of sence out of ANYTHING...and I had nothing.
Everyone I know has at least a vague idea and hope of what they want to do. Brent has Marines, maybe not the best thing in the world, but...the kid was born to do it, hes not the grocery store, office desk type of person...honestly if I saw him in either I would laugh, or cry, either one.
Andy is already in college working on his goal.
Joey is in college and trying to decide between two things, both of which she is already taking classes for.
Monkey is going to be a History teacher.
Jd is going to be a history Professor, the list continues.
...I just want to write, and eventually one day be a mom. A good one.
But...where does that lead me in the time between there, and here? I want to go to school for pyschology, but am I honestly smart enough? I know everyone thinks I am...but Gah...why does it FEEL so impossible?
I wish I could get someone to support me, Andy kind of does, but its always followed by a very large "BUT" I just want once for someone to say, Kate, you can do this. or something of that nature, AND MEAN IT!
....
Everyone has been telling me so many things...I wish I didn't fucking care anymore! I made myself care for Andy, but now I care how normal people care, I use to not care at all! I just did w/e sounded like it would work, and if it didn't...something else, or I just didn't try because I already knew I would fail.
Now I want something, so badly, I want to know I can do it, have it in front of me, and get it fucking done!
...
I just don't want to feel right now...I honestly sat with my legs folded to my chest in the bottom of a shower crying for a good half hour, I just wanted to stop-feeling. I was thinking about suicide...anything.
Everything seems so dark,
everything is dim,
I want one tineiest glimmer,
one waver of hope...
but no one is giving me any of it, not even a slight word of encouragement. . .no one.
I feel so alone in this, so broken...not even broken, broken, then the peices shattered, then the shattered pieces grounded into fine dust which is then scattered all over three states.
...I'm gonna curl up and sleep now, hopefully when I wake up...I won't feel anything.
I miss talking to Brent...like we use to...I miss hanging with Steph and her and me not fighting because shes jelous, or w/e, I don't even know. . .I want, I want, I want...such vain words....such a waste of breath that could be used in something so much more meaningful then my meaningless squabble...

...God, please help me make it through this, I know you will...I'm just asking.

I'm Sorry

I just feel numb.
Not numb like I usually feel...tonight should have been a great night...I went to see New Moon with my friends...well whats left of my friends. I was the only one with lack of excitement, their were a few parts in the movie where I got jumpy, was excited...but something was nagging on me, and despite my trys, it just kept surfacing everytime I tried to drown it out with the hympnotizing effects of Jacob Black, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan...
After the movie, it was 2:30 in the mourning, we went to "ya light plole" at the far end of the parking lot, everybody was jumping around, screaming, we even got into a howling match with a group of people in a car at the other end of the parking lot. . .I was ok for a while, and then everyone else went up to the front of the movie theatre...I stayed where I was, looking out into the empty feild, it was dark, I heard Monkey come up behind, Monkey, MY Alice, who can't bare leaving me alone, lol...We startted talking, and I'm not sure where this conversation came from.
"Ya know...so many people we know, girls, boys, have said they would turn into a vampire, have what the Cullens have...but would they REALLY?...Give up everything they had ever known, would they?" I asked her.
"I would!" Monkey said happily. I looked at her for a moment and she realized I wasn't joking.
"Well...if I could have a Renesmee like Bella, I have to have kids...and If I could see my mom."
I told her, if she couldn't, would she still. She said if there was someone like Edward for her, yes. Then she asked me, if I would.
"I'm living in a house where I have to struggle to teach myself a basic education...and I've never fit in anywhere Monk, not really...even when I use to have nine or ten friends at a time, they were afraid of me, or just seemed...intimadated...I've never even fit in with my family...If I could find a family like the Cullens, be loved like that, have people I could trust like that, doubtless a education...but just FIT, somewhere, just FIT for once...yes." I said. She seemed taken aback, and left me standing just out of the light of the lamp post.
I couldn't stop thinking...something has been WRONG with me lately, and tonight I realized, its not almost as bad, or no where near as bad as I use to be...its WORSE...Tonight on the way home I realized...I honestly wanted to die, in that moment, I wanted to die. I wanted to be dead, I just didn't want to do this anymore...I'm so sick of it. All of it.
I called Andy when I got home, not thinking he was awake, that I would just leave a voice mail. But he was, playing his new video game, I wanted to scream "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!" But...I didn't. It took every fiber of my being not to, to sit there and act like I was ok. . .I just want one person I can go to no matter what, that will be there for me no matter what...but thats unrealistic, because it can't happen. I love the Twilight books, and the movies, but they depress me like nothing else. Here are these people, their for eachother without ryme or reason, just because...just because. I want that more then anything on this planet, just...not feel so alone. Not be afraid like I was when I was talking to Andy that if I told him, he would just be pissed he couldn't play his game, or something...hes coming later today, I was angry at first because I realized he wasn't going to sleep until he came here, that he was planning to just sleep all day, that is until he has his hour match on his game...but now thinking about it, its perfect. No questions I guess...
I'm just scared...I honestly, sitting here right now writing this...want to just...die.
I also want Andy to wake me up when he gets here and just tell me he loves me.
Idk!...I've never wanted death this bad in my life, I want to call Andy because I'm afraid, I want to call him because I'm afraid to be alone...I want to call him because I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself tonight.
Idk...I can't think, my minds startting to go blank...maybe I'll go call him...maybe...or maybe I'll do something else. Idk.
On the off chance my stupidity does get the best of me tonight, I'm sorry.

eh, its crap.

I would like to say first off, that this is just a rough draft, the idea just popped in my head, so this will sound a tad mangled, I just need to get it down before I forget it. In honesty I probably won't do anything with it, it actually bores me.
_____________

She stepped into the store shaking off her coat, water poured off onto the newly washed floor. She knew it was newly washed because a young girl with a mop glared at her as her muddy boots squeaked annoyingly on the tiled floor. The women in the coat just smiled at her smuggly and trompped off.
She ignored the looks as she passed, she knew she must of look monsterous, hair flying in every which way direction, her makeupless face glouring, red from the cold outside, but she didn't care. Today she wasn't in a mood to please people...not that she ever was.
"Vivian?"
The girl in the coat turned, her stomach sinking as she saw a over weight, ruddy faced, falsly dyed maroon hair women come bouncing up to her.
"Mrs. Sheets...hi." She said relunctantly. The women looked her over worriedly.
"My dear you look simply horrible!" She spluttered.
"Thanks" said Vivian. She turned her attention to the frozen food isle she just realized she was standing in. She was hoping that Mrs. Sheets would catch the "go the fuck away" vibe streaming from her. But alas, nothing today had gone as she had hopped.
"I'm sorry to hear about your daughter..." She said trailing off quietly. Vivian froze and glanced sideways at Mrs. Sheets, her face was timid, nosey...Vivian wanted to hit her.
Vivian nodded, then flung open one of the doors snatching something that seemed edible.
"Will you hold a funeral?" Mrs. Sheets asked. Vivian felt anger ball of anger build up in her chest. She turned to face Mrs. Sheets.
"I already did. She was burried yesterday in Oak Hill cemetary."
Mrs. Sheets looked taken aback. Vivian hopped she would be at a loss for words, but no.
"You didn't hold a wake? Nothing?" She asked.
"No...Mrs. Sheets, I don't feel like talking about this right now, so if you please, I just want to go home." She said. Mrs. Sheets nodded relunctantly, and stepped out of Vivians ways.
Vivian walked as fast as she could up to the only lane open, the line was long and she fidgeted nerveously with the icey package in her hands. People kept looking at her, she knew most of them knew. She glanced to her side to see Mrs. Sheets and a group of other moms talking, looking in her direction. She clenched her empty fist angrily.
The line crawled agonizingly slow, but eventually she threw the frozen meal at the casshier who looks up like a dear in head lights.
In this small piece of shit town, she knew everyone knew, a child that young dies, rumors fly like vulchers around a rotting corpse. She glared back at the cashier, something inside of her dareing her to say something, anything. But she didn't.
She scanned it, Vivian payed for it, and rushed from the store.
The rain had slowed, just a drizzle making it look almost foggy out. The wind was turning cold, it was the beginning of November.
Vivian tugged her coat around her walking towards her truck, she was annoyed to find a man leaning against it. He looked up as she neared.
She stopped a few feet away wondering what he was doing, he just smiled, Vivian opened her mouth to say something, but he just smiled and walked off. Vivian stood for a minute, shook her head, and then hoped in her truck heading back to her house as fast as possible.


( will pick this up later, someone said something to smash my mood, and I know this sucks, might not pick it back up, idk )