Scnerio

I step in the shower with the hope that hot water will wash every thought away. I can feel every drop as it rolls down my skin. I lean against the wall, my head tilting up, the hot water scorching my eyes, its painful but I don't move, I focus on it instead.
It feels like mere seconds before the water is freezing, I'm shaking, but at the same time I don't feel cold. I step out of the shower, not bothering with a towl. I walk across the long bathroom to the double mirrors, my reflection seems blurred and unreal. I drag my fingers across the glass, I watch as the fog is swept away like magic behind my fingers. In one of the claw like spaces I see my eyes staring back. Ice cold blue and empty...but underneath that there was something else. I imagined myself staring back out at me from my eye, in a dark room and screaming a soundless scream, face twisted in anguish. I knew what I was screaming for even though I couldn't hear it.
"Mercy. God please, mercy".
I feel my hands groping around for something, it stumbles across something small and I feel my fist close around it. My eyes sweep over my face, pale skin, pink lips, square jaw matched with a rounder face, and finely back to the large ice blue eyes.
I gasp as a sudden pain sears up my arm, looking down I see red every where. I try to think where the pain came from, where the red was coming from, but my mind was slipping away. I reach for a towl, anything to stop it, but my moves are clumsy, I stumble, I don't feel the pain of the floor, just the crack of my head against a chair.

I feel myself be jostled around, my arms are strapped down, I try to open my eyes but can't. I hear voices calling my name, but I can't answer them, something is pressed hard over my mouth. Sound is fading in and out, I finely manage to pick up a siren. A ambulance.
I pry my eyes open, a EMT stares back down at me, hes flashing something in my eyes. I try to look down at my arms, the pain in them was growing. Bandages wrapped my arms so thick I felt like they were in cast's, crimson was soaking through them, the white was disapearing quicker and quicker.
I slip back into sleep.

Weeks later a friend ask's me what I learned from the experience. I just look at her and say.
"To cut deeper, and lock the door"

Grounded Shattered Shards.

So...lately my friends have all but cut me out of their lives, partly because my anti social'ness, partly I don't know. I want to yell at them, tell them everything to make them understand, but I won't...
I am not talking on IM's, in person, or on the phone, hell, I'm avoiding hanging out with people, because any length of time where I talk to them, I'm tempted to tell them how I want to kill myself and beg them to tell me one fucking thing that'll make me stop.
Right now the ONLY thing I have in my future is Andy, besides that it looks like shit.
I want to tell Andy, but he see's things so logically, he thinks if you have a set and realistic plan for everything, it WILL work out, it just has to, and if not, oh well.
I don't want "oh well" I want to be inspired and WANT something. Right now the only want I have IS to WANT something.
I sat in the chair tonight for three hours by myself trying to make a inkling of sence out of ANYTHING...and I had nothing.
Everyone I know has at least a vague idea and hope of what they want to do. Brent has Marines, maybe not the best thing in the world, but...the kid was born to do it, hes not the grocery store, office desk type of person...honestly if I saw him in either I would laugh, or cry, either one.
Andy is already in college working on his goal.
Joey is in college and trying to decide between two things, both of which she is already taking classes for.
Monkey is going to be a History teacher.
Jd is going to be a history Professor, the list continues.
...I just want to write, and eventually one day be a mom. A good one.
But...where does that lead me in the time between there, and here? I want to go to school for pyschology, but am I honestly smart enough? I know everyone thinks I am...but Gah...why does it FEEL so impossible?
I wish I could get someone to support me, Andy kind of does, but its always followed by a very large "BUT" I just want once for someone to say, Kate, you can do this. or something of that nature, AND MEAN IT!
....
Everyone has been telling me so many things...I wish I didn't fucking care anymore! I made myself care for Andy, but now I care how normal people care, I use to not care at all! I just did w/e sounded like it would work, and if it didn't...something else, or I just didn't try because I already knew I would fail.
Now I want something, so badly, I want to know I can do it, have it in front of me, and get it fucking done!
...
I just don't want to feel right now...I honestly sat with my legs folded to my chest in the bottom of a shower crying for a good half hour, I just wanted to stop-feeling. I was thinking about suicide...anything.
Everything seems so dark,
everything is dim,
I want one tineiest glimmer,
one waver of hope...
but no one is giving me any of it, not even a slight word of encouragement. . .no one.
I feel so alone in this, so broken...not even broken, broken, then the peices shattered, then the shattered pieces grounded into fine dust which is then scattered all over three states.
...I'm gonna curl up and sleep now, hopefully when I wake up...I won't feel anything.
I miss talking to Brent...like we use to...I miss hanging with Steph and her and me not fighting because shes jelous, or w/e, I don't even know. . .I want, I want, I want...such vain words....such a waste of breath that could be used in something so much more meaningful then my meaningless squabble...

...God, please help me make it through this, I know you will...I'm just asking.