I'm Sorry

I just feel numb.
Not numb like I usually feel...tonight should have been a great night...I went to see New Moon with my friends...well whats left of my friends. I was the only one with lack of excitement, their were a few parts in the movie where I got jumpy, was excited...but something was nagging on me, and despite my trys, it just kept surfacing everytime I tried to drown it out with the hympnotizing effects of Jacob Black, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan...
After the movie, it was 2:30 in the mourning, we went to "ya light plole" at the far end of the parking lot, everybody was jumping around, screaming, we even got into a howling match with a group of people in a car at the other end of the parking lot. . .I was ok for a while, and then everyone else went up to the front of the movie theatre...I stayed where I was, looking out into the empty feild, it was dark, I heard Monkey come up behind, Monkey, MY Alice, who can't bare leaving me alone, lol...We startted talking, and I'm not sure where this conversation came from.
"Ya know...so many people we know, girls, boys, have said they would turn into a vampire, have what the Cullens have...but would they REALLY?...Give up everything they had ever known, would they?" I asked her.
"I would!" Monkey said happily. I looked at her for a moment and she realized I wasn't joking.
"Well...if I could have a Renesmee like Bella, I have to have kids...and If I could see my mom."
I told her, if she couldn't, would she still. She said if there was someone like Edward for her, yes. Then she asked me, if I would.
"I'm living in a house where I have to struggle to teach myself a basic education...and I've never fit in anywhere Monk, not really...even when I use to have nine or ten friends at a time, they were afraid of me, or just seemed...intimadated...I've never even fit in with my family...If I could find a family like the Cullens, be loved like that, have people I could trust like that, doubtless a education...but just FIT, somewhere, just FIT for once...yes." I said. She seemed taken aback, and left me standing just out of the light of the lamp post.
I couldn't stop thinking...something has been WRONG with me lately, and tonight I realized, its not almost as bad, or no where near as bad as I use to be...its WORSE...Tonight on the way home I realized...I honestly wanted to die, in that moment, I wanted to die. I wanted to be dead, I just didn't want to do this anymore...I'm so sick of it. All of it.
I called Andy when I got home, not thinking he was awake, that I would just leave a voice mail. But he was, playing his new video game, I wanted to scream "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!" But...I didn't. It took every fiber of my being not to, to sit there and act like I was ok. . .I just want one person I can go to no matter what, that will be there for me no matter what...but thats unrealistic, because it can't happen. I love the Twilight books, and the movies, but they depress me like nothing else. Here are these people, their for eachother without ryme or reason, just because...just because. I want that more then anything on this planet, just...not feel so alone. Not be afraid like I was when I was talking to Andy that if I told him, he would just be pissed he couldn't play his game, or something...hes coming later today, I was angry at first because I realized he wasn't going to sleep until he came here, that he was planning to just sleep all day, that is until he has his hour match on his game...but now thinking about it, its perfect. No questions I guess...
I'm just scared...I honestly, sitting here right now writing this...want to just...die.
I also want Andy to wake me up when he gets here and just tell me he loves me.
Idk!...I've never wanted death this bad in my life, I want to call Andy because I'm afraid, I want to call him because I'm afraid to be alone...I want to call him because I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself tonight.
Idk...I can't think, my minds startting to go blank...maybe I'll go call him...maybe...or maybe I'll do something else. Idk.
On the off chance my stupidity does get the best of me tonight, I'm sorry.

eh, its crap.

I would like to say first off, that this is just a rough draft, the idea just popped in my head, so this will sound a tad mangled, I just need to get it down before I forget it. In honesty I probably won't do anything with it, it actually bores me.
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She stepped into the store shaking off her coat, water poured off onto the newly washed floor. She knew it was newly washed because a young girl with a mop glared at her as her muddy boots squeaked annoyingly on the tiled floor. The women in the coat just smiled at her smuggly and trompped off.
She ignored the looks as she passed, she knew she must of look monsterous, hair flying in every which way direction, her makeupless face glouring, red from the cold outside, but she didn't care. Today she wasn't in a mood to please people...not that she ever was.
"Vivian?"
The girl in the coat turned, her stomach sinking as she saw a over weight, ruddy faced, falsly dyed maroon hair women come bouncing up to her.
"Mrs. Sheets...hi." She said relunctantly. The women looked her over worriedly.
"My dear you look simply horrible!" She spluttered.
"Thanks" said Vivian. She turned her attention to the frozen food isle she just realized she was standing in. She was hoping that Mrs. Sheets would catch the "go the fuck away" vibe streaming from her. But alas, nothing today had gone as she had hopped.
"I'm sorry to hear about your daughter..." She said trailing off quietly. Vivian froze and glanced sideways at Mrs. Sheets, her face was timid, nosey...Vivian wanted to hit her.
Vivian nodded, then flung open one of the doors snatching something that seemed edible.
"Will you hold a funeral?" Mrs. Sheets asked. Vivian felt anger ball of anger build up in her chest. She turned to face Mrs. Sheets.
"I already did. She was burried yesterday in Oak Hill cemetary."
Mrs. Sheets looked taken aback. Vivian hopped she would be at a loss for words, but no.
"You didn't hold a wake? Nothing?" She asked.
"No...Mrs. Sheets, I don't feel like talking about this right now, so if you please, I just want to go home." She said. Mrs. Sheets nodded relunctantly, and stepped out of Vivians ways.
Vivian walked as fast as she could up to the only lane open, the line was long and she fidgeted nerveously with the icey package in her hands. People kept looking at her, she knew most of them knew. She glanced to her side to see Mrs. Sheets and a group of other moms talking, looking in her direction. She clenched her empty fist angrily.
The line crawled agonizingly slow, but eventually she threw the frozen meal at the casshier who looks up like a dear in head lights.
In this small piece of shit town, she knew everyone knew, a child that young dies, rumors fly like vulchers around a rotting corpse. She glared back at the cashier, something inside of her dareing her to say something, anything. But she didn't.
She scanned it, Vivian payed for it, and rushed from the store.
The rain had slowed, just a drizzle making it look almost foggy out. The wind was turning cold, it was the beginning of November.
Vivian tugged her coat around her walking towards her truck, she was annoyed to find a man leaning against it. He looked up as she neared.
She stopped a few feet away wondering what he was doing, he just smiled, Vivian opened her mouth to say something, but he just smiled and walked off. Vivian stood for a minute, shook her head, and then hoped in her truck heading back to her house as fast as possible.


( will pick this up later, someone said something to smash my mood, and I know this sucks, might not pick it back up, idk )