Poem

Biteing back the tongue thats bleeding,
trying to keep these words from seething,
Forbidden secrets I keep feeding,
All these monsters I keep seeing,
I curse them for not believing.

Tired now of the lurking darkness,
I run away so fast and thoughtless,
Breaking mind in shatters fills the air,
I toss myself from the cliff my heart bare,
I think one last time of that stare,
How cruel it is, how unfair.

My voice is voiceless,
My thoughts are listless,
My heart is loveless,
My eyes are sightless,
My life is breathless,
My face is faceless,
Your words are meaningless,
My fate is timeless,

I am dying, so say good night and good-bye.

rant

Right now I feel I have lost who I am, who I was, and all that is left is the pain that was covered up before.
I am 17, and from 7am to 9pm I am baby sitting full time a one a half year old, and a three year old. I have no life, and the one person I could count on to always be there for me...well two people actully...can't. They just can't. Brent has his own life, and needs to focus on Elizabeth ( who is Amazing ). And Andy...*sigh* Idk. He just can't right now.
I keep vainly wanting him to come in on a dark horse and rescue me from this hell, but I also forget along with that, that I am only seventeen, him only eighteen...I have gone through so much, so much that Molly is truly the only person who knows it all, that I feel so much older then I am.
Its hard for me to grip things sometimes...
I am sinking back to how I was before Andy, and it is scaring me...if I get to that point again, I don't know if there would be any saving me. Right now I am talking to him on aim and just want to scream, I NEED YOU!!! But how greedy is that? Its so greedy it knows no boundries...He is out of it right now, and I am struggling to be there for him. I always need him, always bother him, but he is my hope. To me hope is no longer a feeling emotion, but I am losing the abillity to feel more emotions, but it lives in HIM. But how can I burden him with this? I don't, and thats why I hope he never reads this...Right now, there is no saving me, I am suffering, but as my dad always says, you need to learn to suffer Quietly...
I'm just...I want what I can't have, and if I had it...I would probably still complain about it...I guess I'm needy.

Forever - please comment

I scream in a whisper, longing to be cradled in the arms of my dead, I yearn to touch and see there faces, and how much the Earth has changed them. I greedily want to take there hands and pull them from there tombs.

The exticy of embracing the marble angels, begging to know there secrets, for them to teach me the songs they use to lul the dead they guard.

The wings enfold me, promises of a sleep free from nightmares tempts me to stay forever...
What if forever? Is it till the skin rots away? The bones turn to dust? The soul goes where ever it is the soul goes? Or, is it when the soul it self if forgotten?

...And how long before I find out?

Bits and peices.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but of the man to behold is blind?

A curtain of laughter blocks out the screams full of pain,
the obvious day dreaming dead stare hidden from within a smile, which all to well resembles something of broken glass, shatterd and jagged.
Walk on broken bones, hold hands high blazing with volitile agony, so sweet, so bitter, so much life formed into a taste.

How cruel the mocking fingers point, only seen in the dark recesses of my mind, a wasteland of nightmares, broken promises...to remember...how I long to forget.

Speak so softly, in a whisper only for the dead. The song I sing, just for them, to lul them in there graves, to let the weeping willow weep, the black birds carry the souls away more gently, the rain fall more warmly, the night darken more softly, the moon shine more brightly.

wrote last year, but can't get it out of my mind.

The sound of the night ripples around me,
my screams echo only in my mind, but remain silent in the air,
they burn inside me, I can hear the sound of my soul tear.
Eyes bleeding black, the sanity I lack shines threw my skin, leaveing my skin cracked and bleeding, I can feel the pain seething,

almost liveing, beating, pulsing through my veins, my mind, my sight, my voice,
it leaves me torn, forlorn, broken, spinning in scorn, wishing I was never born.

To see the lives I touch parish under my hand, to see the smiles disapear from the angel faces to the grave, to know every life I am in will turn out the same.
The pain, the blame, how can I keep takeing this fame for this hurtful game?

To CRAVE, so consumend, to have something that would end all I love,
to live in hell, but to cause it, what choice do I have?
I dream of being taken away, to know it will never be that way, I will have to stay,
in this life, this mind, so full of agony I can't breath, each breath like razors in my lungs, wishing...begging....tomorrow had never begun.

something i wrote a long time ago

I LIE HERE IN SHATTERS, PEICES LAY SCATTERD, BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS.
I PICK UP THE DISCARDED TATTERS PEOPLE HAVE THROWN AWAY,
AND MOVE ON TO FACE ONE MORE DAY,
AND I PRAY TO GOD IT WON'T BE THE SAME,
I PRAY TO CAST ASIDE MY SHAME, AND I MAY BE GIVEN THE GIFT TO BE BLIND, TO HIDE MY EYES FROM THE HORROR OF THE LAND BEFORE ME, THE HOPE I ONCE HAD HAS BEEN TORN FOR ME, I DO NOT WISH FOR PITY FROM YOU, BUT I WONDER HOW MUCH OF WHAT YOU SAY IS TRUE.
FUZED IS MY MIND TO THE GRAVE, THE THOUGHT TO BE SAVED, TO TRADE MY LIFE FOR SOMTHING MORE, THE MERE THOUGHT SHAKES ME TO MY CORE.
LINGERS THE FINGERS OF DEATH ALWAYS AT MY THROAT, THE TRIGGERS THAT ITICH,
THE BLADE THAT SLITS,
THE ROPE THAT FITS AROUND A WILLING NECK.
TO FIGHT A UNSTOPEBLE BLIGHT, TO WIN OVER SPITE, NO, NOT EVEN WITH ALL THE MIGHT.
LOST OUR THE VOICES THAT PLEAD FOR HELP, LOST TO THOSE WHO SHUT THEM OUT, SHUT OUT FOR FEAR FROM TRUTH, NEVER AGAIN WILL IT BE USED.
A END...is a end.

Peace of mind.

Weather I fall, am pushed, or forced down, it only effects me, it only hurts me, and it saves someone else who could have been in my place. And I'm strong enough for it...or at least thats what I'm constantly told.
So, I raise my chin, square my shoulders, and quickly brace myself for the next attack.
Is it enough I push on? Is it enough for me to break and plead for God to make it stop? Is it enough I've bled, enough I've lied, enough I've smiled when it was broken, laughed when it made my whole soul sear with pain?
No, I am asked more pushed for more, but I get nothing back, no peace of mind, and that, truely is all I want.