Ramblings

I write here, because I'm safe here, because no one reads the things I put here. My mind is spinning painfully fast, I keep trying to reach out and grasp whatever it is, but it just slips out of my hands, like trying to grab at fog or mist.
Somehow, in the back of my mind, it accured to me, as Neurosonic came floating on to the jeep while I was driving that Brent would be leaveing very soon. Andy wants me to stop talking to him, and regardless though I'm sure he'll hate hearing this as he has every right to be, i'm getting tired of not even being able to so much as MENTION him in a sentence without Liz getting all huffy about it.
I just wish I could talk to him ONCE like we use to. Just one time, just so I knew we were ok before he left.
Every single person just keeps telling me to let it go, let him go, but they don't get it.
No I don't love him, I never loved him, but in a way I did. Not like a boyfriend, but like a brother. He was my best friends for three years, and now hes leaving and all we do is seem to snap at eachother. I feel like he doesn't care, like maybe part of him wants to talk to me, but not like how he use to.
I use to be able to go to him without a doubt in my mind he would have some dumb shit to send me to cheer me up, some annoying ass rap song to piss me off, or long debates on different views on polotics, gaming, guns, family, school,or what the fuck ever.
He never called me weird, freak, or anything like that for my insane writing, he said he understood, and I knew he meant it, it wasn't just words.
And now its just hostile, I'm writing this way to fast and it probably won't make sence later. I haven't even paused this entire time, my arm is actually starting to ache sadly....
Anyway...I keep trying to find someone to give me a ride up there. I know Brent might do it, but with how things are going, Idk if I want to have myself up there with no escape.
I know hes not the same anymore, not even close, and i'm HAPPY hes in love with Liz, I honest to GOD am. I just want to see him and know we are ok before he leaves.


Not only that, but I just...idk. I was driving home a few days ago and was taking a bad rode (because I can do up to 60/70 back there and no one is gonna stop me) and I just pulled off to the side and sat there staring off into some woods. . . for the first time since I was little I kept wishing something would come out of the woods and take me, kill me, what ever. I just waited...before I knew it I glanced at the clock and had been sitting there for almost twenty mintues. I drove home but the feeling didn't go away. . . gah I'm not making sence.
I keep fighting to see something bright in my future, I keep struggling to feel something, bu the only time I fucking can is when Andys here, I just....fuck I can't talk. My minds going all fucking static noise.

...I'm just gonna work on my short stories.