I have no idea...dosen't make much sence. Angry and sad.

The memory of feelings I no longer have play in my mind, I watch them wondering why my own mind seems my greatest tormenter.
I cage the butterflys in my stomach, unwilling, and unwanting to feel there fluttering anymore. I glance back at the light danceing on the walls, I see two figures there, dancing so joyfully, I look away, almost ashamed to have looked at all.
With guilt I stand and shift around the dark room, empty, cold, it wasn't always like this, the walls were once vibrant with color, the lights weren't just phantoms, but like liveing things pulseing with the movements of others, laughter dripped from the walls, such extacy.
I close my eyes wanting to shut the images out. They ring in my mind so painfully.
But wait...this is my mind.

Ponderings. - on Myspace

What do you do when your minds becomes the war zone, instead of a haven. When it becomes something of deep, deep hatred in trade of a place of comfort?...What do you do when pain that has grown for years begins to starve, but thrive because it seems it can't grow anymore. It thrashs makeing the most simpliest things seem hard and a struggle.What do you do when its almost impossible to remember happy, when at the same time, you know at that moment, whatever it may be, you should be FEELING it, and you have a vague sence you are...but thats all, a sence, the actual abillity to grasp it, wrap it around you is long gone. How spitefull...What CAN you do when you feel unable to seperate your thoughts, they grip together, refuseing to seperate, agony, sweet volitile agony dripping from your mouth in words, traind to speak."I'm fine.""I'm ok."God...please.Falls from your eyes, in the dark, let it out.Promises, bittersweet, of a escape, said to be soon...a promise of years, years? No...never. But if said escape becomes real, what will change? What will make the diffrence?Nothing...it will change nothing.Everything rooted so deeply in the mind, no pen clicking skeltons can ease it, figure it, overdose it.Alone, things melt into another as it becomes harder to dance on the stage for people, dress up, smile pretty, beautiful, laugh on Que...there you go, ah, how perfectly done.Bravo...No, this is mine. Will it overcome me? Who knows. Not me.Will I escape it?...possibly.Can someone save me? Yes...yes they could. But how...not even I would put that on them, no one deserves it.My hell, monsters that never go away, my mind, Oh God...the ache...its mine, to suffer alone.And alone? No, I do not say this in some attempt for the reverse, to single myself out...but because I have tried...I have tried.And I am sorry for it. Better to act and have the people I love, then to let it go, ease the pain, and lose everyone.In the darkness I can still reach out and feel for those people...I need them. They don't know it, but I do.